Keeper Files: Vol. 13, No. 1

(Editor's note: Words appearing as links will take you to the U.G. Glossary.)

Yes, our fantasy football league is entering year 13 of existence. Amazingly, we’ve managed to stay friends this long, given all the funky trades and endless shit-talk. One of our league members even threw a guy down a flight of stairs that must have numbered 25 steps, all because of some taunts during a Raiders game. But the tossee was not a league member (it was Helmet), so really it’s difficult to call any sort of foul.

Three of the four current U.G. members are in this league (Sam is the odd man out), and Matt and I have a combined four titles in the past seven years. Lee (the fan of tossing guys down stairs) has six titles himself, leaving one title each for Dave, the guy who is too often mistaken for one of the Brothers Gibb, and Corey, who is no longer in the league, probably because he’s scared.

Our league is a keeper format (hence the league’s name, “The Keeper”), and one wrinkle that’s been in from the beginning is the practice of redshirting players. Each year, we can protect a certain number of guys from being thrown into the draft. Redshirted players can be kept without counting against the number of protected slots, but you can’t play redshirted players.

We used to redshirt two players at midseason, but in 2003, I was so far ahead of everyone but one guy, some owners redshirted some studs:

• Peyton Manning and LaDainian Tomlinson (by Beck, which explains why he’s the current two-time defending champ)
• Shaun Alexander and Marvin Harrison
• Michael Vick and Terrell Owens
• Chad Johnson and Corey Dillon
• Tiki Barber

So since then, we’ve switched to two redshirts at the beginning of the year. Usually means rookies, or a second-string guy who is just waiting for the geezer in front of him to blow a knee or come down with Clarkinson’s disease so he can take the job next year.

Hitting on one redshirt offers a huge advantage, especially to guys who finished well the previous year, as you can only keep two guys if you finish in the money. (I get to protect four this year, and I have the first pick, so that tells you something about my 2005.) If you can double up on your reds, you’re a genius whose clairvoyance rivals the visions Dave used to have while working in front of his grill.

You see, Dave once got on a hot streak as far as predictions go. Back in the ’90s, he came within a week, I believe, of predicting when Steve Young would get hurt. Never mind that he made 1,482 predictions that season—HE KINDA GOT ONE RIGHT. We never heard the end of it. This wasn’t nearly as impressive as the Door of Pain, but that’s for another time.

So my job is to analyze who did the best job with their redshirts last year. Here’s my ranking:

8. Erik (Troy Williamson and Onterrio Smith)

7. Dave (Vincent Jackson and Eric Shelton)

6. Chris (Kellen Winslow and Travis Henry)

5. Lee (Aaron Rodgers and Rod Gardner)

4. Aaron (Alex Smith and Matt Jones)

3. Matt (Marion Barber and Mike Williams)

2. Mike (Cedric Benson and J.J. Arrington)

1. Beast (Philip Rivers and Braylon Edwards)

First off, Erik redshirted two Vikings, which should result in castration. And of course, Whizzinator is out of football, so that leaves him with Williamson, who is so average that everyone refers to Koren Robinson as the best WR in Minny. Yikes.

Lot of bums until you get to Matt Jones. Then there’s Mike Williams, assuming he figures out how good he used to be and still could be.

I would have put Mike at #1 about a week ago, before Benson got hurt and gave Thomas Jones another chance at starting. But Benson could end up a horse; he’s probably the best player redshirted.

But I have to give the edge to Beast, as Philip Rivers is in a great spot and Braylon apparently is on the fast track to recovery. Now how about winning the whole thing, Beasto!

Some great redshirt moves in Keeper history:

• Carson Palmer (Beck): He stashed him away for two years and was able to reap the benefits last year. Without Palmer, Beck probably doesn’t repeat last year. (Of course, if Dave doesn’t bench RANDY MOSS in Week 17, Beck certainly doesn’t repeat last year.)
• Tony Gonzalez (Lee): Tony G gave Lee half a season during his first couple of years in the league, and then Lee would redshirt him and get by at TE en route to league titles. Tony G eventually became a guy who played all year for Lee and earned a coveted protected spot for many years. Again, Lee has six (fuckin’) titles, so he must have been doing something right. Speaking of which …
• Drew Bledsoe (Lee): In 1996, Lee was heading toward his third title in as many years. His QB duo was Favre and Bledsoe, but it looked like he would have to cut one of them at the end of the year, as he didn’t have room to keep both. Unless…he redshirts Bledsoe and plays Vinny Testaverde the rest of the way. How did Vinny do that year for the Ravens? 4,177 yards, 33 TDs, 2 more TDs rushing, and career-highs in 20+ and 40+ completions. Lee, evil genius.

Some funny redshirt moves: Aside from Whizzinator, we’ve seen…

• Jason Elam (Lee): The evil genius entered Martz-dom by cloaking a kicker in red. We hardly ever brought that up to him over the following six years.
• Bobby Hebert (Kip): Redshirts are for young, up-and-comers, not guys who decide to retire that offseason.
• Sterling Sharpe (Dave): I think he continued to redshirt Sharpe for four years after his career ended, just in case.

Of course, this brought up an interesting question. Why was Dave holding onto Sharpe, when for years Dave claimed that if he lined up against Sharpe every game in a 16-game season, Sharpe would only have 5 catches…for the SEASON.

Yes, Dave fancied himself a great defensive back; one time, plowed after consuming about 16 shots of peppermint schnapps in five minutes, he told a stripper that he “was the last great white cornerback.” You can imagine her reaction. Why the heavy alcohol consumption? After the first thimble-sized shot, Dave yelled at the bartender, “Hey, you pour shots like a bitch!” The next three shots were just a little bit bigger, like Solo-plastic-cup-to-the-brim big.

If I haven’t mentioned it yet, Dave is kinda fun to hang out with.