Crikey! Beast's NFL picks are in!

The editor must make an apology here. I was asleep at the wheel and didn't organize the NFL pick 'ems that we did last year. But Beast surprised me with picks for Week 1. And these were in my inbox before kickoff of the Thursday game, so it shows you how "with it" I've been.

As you'll see, he abstained from picking the Bears-Packers game, probably because as a Bears fan, he is scared. Or he figures a Bears prediction is assumed universally. Personally, I think he's scared.

OK, without further ado, here's Beast's "Croc Hunter Tribute Edition" of the NFL Pick 'ems.

Dolphins over the Steelers: Marine life is not to be fucked with this week as proven by one Steve Irwin.

Falcons over Panthers: Steve Smith showing early signs of Clarkinson's disease. His hamstring has a hole in it comprable to Irwin's sternum.

Ravens over Bucs: How scary can the Ravens be if they can keep McNair healthy. Scarier than a bathtub full of stingrays.

Patriots over Bills: Tom Brady has looked stingray-barb sharp in the preseason.

Saints over Browns: Reggie Bush would put a juke move on that ray, trampled it, pulled it onto the beach, struck the Heisman pose, than ran to grill it at his parents' house, which is being paid for by some agents. He's that versatile.

Cowboys over Jags: Wanted to pick the Jags but the Boys have The Tuna and as I said before marine life is holding the cards this week.

SEAhawks over Lions: I capitalized SEA to emphasize the marine life point.

Vikings over Skins: Vikings have boats that float on the sea. Good enough, and the Skins don't have Portis.

Colts over Giants: Manning bowl. Peyton and Eli have brother named Cooper that everyone in the Manning family agrees was the best athlete of the 3 bros. His football career was cut short by either a tragic stingray accident or a spinal cord condition, I can't remember which.

Titans over Jets: I would rather get stung (not killed) by a stingray than watch this game.

Broncos over Rams: Rumor has it that Shanahan is contemplating starting a Stingray at RB next week because he is that much of a fucking terrorist.

Cards over Niners: Niners are worse than that CrocHunter movie.

Philly over Texans: Andy Reid looks like a walrus. Marine life rule applies.

Bengals over Chiefs: You've seen the Madden commercial with the "How do you stop 85?" question. The answer is: have a stingray stab him in the heart. Luckily forthe Bengals, Chad, and my Keeper team, Kansas City is landlocked. Go Chad.

San Diego over Raiders: Whale's vagina is a marine life qualifier. Thank you, Ron Burgundy.

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As a side note I have been having fun with the death of, from all accounts, a decent guy. Humor is how I deal with things so those of you who read these jokes will have to live with it. You've heard it 1,000 times this week. Steve Irwin died doing what he loved best, interacting with animals. It's true I've never seen someone so happy to get bit in the face by a snake.

Jokes aside he did change the world to some extent; he helped educate people about conservation and animal behavior. I heard somewhere that before Steve Irwin there were 2 weekly wildlife shows and today there are 29. The bigwigs at Animal Planet owe everything they own to that guy. Their habitats were paid for by this guy running around in some King Cobra's habitat. I watched his show when I could and was amazed at what he did. Wrestling crocs, handling snakes, whatever. He was a bad mofo. Too bad it ended like that.

G'day to the Croc Hunter.