Herm Edwards, Captain Obvious

I was at home with my son today, so we killed some time watching NFL Network programming. (OK, I watched, while he caught some ZZZZZ's.)

First, there was an hour-long show that documented the best moments in Dallas Cowboys history as voted by the readers of ... the Dallas Times Herald. Yes, the 15-years-defunct newspaper, so this tells you how far back they reached into the NFL Films vault for this one. (Sam, I still almost TiVo'd this for you.) Bob Lilly chasing down Bob Griese about 30 yards behind the line of scrimmage, Tony Dorsett's 99-yard-run, Pearson's catch in the playoffs against the Vikings ... great moments leading up to the Aikman-Emmitt-Irvin era of dominance, if you like the Cowpokes.

Personally, my greatest Cowboys moments would be limited to:

• Leon Lett sledding into the ball on Thanksgiving Day
• Troy Hambrick being christened "Triangle" during an outburst from Sam after Hambrick failed to move the chains yet again: "Arrrrgghhhhh ... go shave your fucking triangle!"
• Quincy Carter giving interviews, mangling every word with that calf's tongue that didn't fit in his mouth
• Michael Irvin's awesome courtroom attire

So later on, there's a modern-day interview with Chiefs coach Herman Edwards, who used the word "obviously" 27 times during a 11-minute interview, which gives him an OPM ("obviously-per-minute") of 2.455. (When he rattled off 4 "obviouslys" in the first 30 seconds, it was my duty to keep a tally.) Seeing as he spent the majority of the interview sharing obvious facts, it (obviously) wasn't that great of a chat. And not once did he refer to Trent Green, who wears #10, as "TEN," which he was prone to do in New York with Chad Pennington. I'll miss those "That's the way to throw a strike, TEN!!!" sound bites in NFL Films clips.

As evening approached, it was "Inside Training Camp: Green Bay Packers," which was kinda cool. Got to see Chuck Woodson in a Packers uniform for the first time, and former Hawkeye Abdul Hodge mix it up with Scott Wells on more than one occasion. Hodge and Hawk are gonna be dominators, Bob Sanders-style ...

I also killed some time today watching ESPN and ESPNews to see if any big baseball trades would go down (Yanks getting Abreu rules, even if the payroll is now somewhere in the neighborhood of $1 billion), so I got plenty of opinion on everything in sports, including T.O. and Drew Bledsoe. The question was posed: how long before the two of them are on the outs? I say it might work until the end; I say that because Drew Bledsoe:

• Is a tall, no-nonsense, stage-diving dude who just comes off as a guy who doesn't take a lot of shit from receivers (ask Keyshawn) yet when there is a blowup, the bad feelings evaporate within a day (again, ask Keyshawn)
• Isn't effeminate like Jeff Garcia, which should prevent any curious comments from T.O.
• Isn't black--read the whole bullet point before you flip out--which means T.O. won't see his QB as an Uncle Tom corporate puppet, as he saw soup-boy McNabb

Our fantasy league draft is still 20 days away--hurry up already! The only benefit is I still have 20 days to mull over whether to take Ronnie Brown with the first pick in our draft, even though I'm keeping three running backs on my roster heading into the draft. Decisions, decisions ... sounds like I better watch more NFL Network ...

Where You Been

Remember that great Dinosaur Jr. album, "Where You Been"? I remember selling it last week for approximately $2.36, so maybe "great" isn't the right adjective.

What has gone down since my last post?

Beck's almighty Mudd Group softball team lost their first game, although it didn't sound like Matt's ERA took much of a beating.

Harold Reynolds got fired from ESPN. Normally I would say that it sounds like H.R. needs a hug, but that is exactly what got Harold his walking papers, as someone of the opposite sex (I assume) wasn't too keen on an embrace or whatever from Reynolds. I still faintly remember Reynolds interviewing Doc Gooden after his no-hitter in '96 (which was H.R.'s first year with ESPN), and it sounded something like this: "Hey, man, I'm here wit' Doc Gooden, who just threw a no-hitter, man--how's it feel, man?" He got a lot better; I guess I'll miss his work in front of the camera.

The American who won the Tour de France had a T:E ratio of 11 to 1 on a test--yeah, that's a positive doping test. Even Barry Bonds would grimace at that result. When I told Tracy about Landis' dramatic free-fall in the standings and equally dramatic recovery a day later, even she knows enough about cycling to make the following statement: "Wonder if he's on something." (Notice that statement ends with a period, not a question mark.)

No word on if Lance Armstrong is riding a clean RAGBRAI yet; he cannot submit to a test until the Eastern Iowa media gets off his dick.

Andrea Yates, who killed her five kids years ago and had a conviction overturned over some phony "Law & Order" testimony, now is not guilty by reason of insanity. I don't care how you word her condemnation, all I can picture is five dead kids, the oldest floating face-down in the tub of water his mommy used to drown him.

Hey, Phyllis Nelson is getting out of prison early, a real victory for people holding knives that other people "run into" with fatal results. Super.

Even though Kirk Ferentz (aka The Captain) got his big raise weeks ago, I still hear people fucking whine and cry about it. At the same time, they point to budget crunches at the regents schools. You might not like it, but this is the way it is: APPLES AND ORANGES, DUMBASSES. The athletic department salaries are a separate beast, not reliant on state money. If they want to use ticket and TV revenue to keep a talented, popular coach around for a few more years, it is not your concern. IT'S NOT YOUR TAXPAYER MONEY FOOTING THE BILL. Fuckers are making me use caps lock.

I read that Metallica has finally jumped onboard the iTunes train. Does this mean I can not buy "St. Anger" online as well? (Yes!)

I'm awaiting George Steinbrenner's next anti-youth-movement transaction. I figure he'll offer Robinson Cano and Phil Hughes to several teams in hopes of acquiring one-time decent guys like Lee May, Doug DeCinces (shown at left), or Oddibe McDowell.

Even if the Yankees would trade for these retired (and possibly deceased) ball players, they would still find a way to make the postseason. Despite being devastated by injuries, the Bronx Bombers are, as of Saturday morning, the 2's in a pussy poker game (read: wild card).

After all this rambling, nothing about football. I'll save that for later, except to send my condolences to LeCharles Bentley, who tore up his knee Thursday. I'm sorry ... your mom named you LeCharles. If we were tight, could I call you LeChuck? (A variation of the Waukon boys' DeLawrence Grant/DeLarry question--credit where credit's due.)

Lars Ulrich can't grasp how cool this is

I want to tout one of the cooler things Pitchfork (www.pitchforkmedia.com) has done--its new project titled Infinite Mixtape. With the presence of one-jillion-gigabyte hard drives and go-everywhere iPods, a good mix has the capability to go beyond the 80 minutes or 90-120 minutes offered by blank CDs and tapes, respectively. All you need is an infinite collection of good music.

Granted, most people have a decent collection of music on their shelves or their hard drives from which to cull their favorite tracks. But when you're looking at an infinite scope, there are only so many Sleater-Kinney or Radiohead or Cure or Beastie Boys or whoever songs to include before your mix sounds a bit repetitive.

So you need to turn elsewhere. Pitchfork's idea follows the perfect model of marketing cool bands via the Internet: give music fans exposure to bands they deem good or at least interesting, without us shelling out mad cash to sample these musicians, and then we can spend our money buying the stuff we really like. This is especially great for people who live in terrible radio markets (certainly true in Eastern Iowa).

So far, they have 23 tracks available for download. True, many of the tracks aren't my cup of tea. If you're familiar with Pitchfork, you might agree with my assessment that they have critic-snob taste--and naturally, they couldn't go 20 songs into their infinite mix before including Belle & Sebastian, a band you MUST like if you have anything working between your ears. (To be serious, B&S is OK, but come on.)

But to my ears, Pitchfork so far has accomplished the following: confirmed my love for I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness (shown at right); showed Cat Power to be worthy of critical hype; given New Pornographers vocalist Neko Case some love; and introduced me to such bands as Boris, Ladyhawk, Girl Talk (which is an interesting sampling band that works Nirvana's "Scentless Apprentice" and X-Ray Spex's "Oh Bondage Up Yours" into the same song, along with Elton John's "Tiny Dancer"), and Susanna and the Magical Orchestra, who absolutely blow everyone away with their heartbreaking version of Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart." It's such a good song, it would be a perfect way to end a mix, were it not infinite.

Perhaps you're shaking your head, muttering things like "I've never heard of any of these fuckin' bands" or "What a loser, posting this on a Saturday night." The latter statement is understandable; the former statement completely misses the point.

If you don't find new music to listen to, you'll be stuck buying Metallica albums ... if you didn't already download them during Napster's heyday.

'86 Game 6 + R.B.I. Baseball = The Best Ever

Listen, I already thought YouTube was an outstanding site, but then U.G. brother Sam pointed me to this gem. As a bitter Yankees fan, it's things like this that make life OK again.

Relive Game 6 of '86 via R.B.I.

Quick hits

I don't have the time nor energy to write much tonight, but here's something to add to your case of the "Mondays":

• Professional wrestlers with foreign objects are no longer the low rung on the ladder of tact, thanks to French footballer Zinedine Zidane's incredulous head-butt move during the World Cup final. Wow. When that guy went crazy, he looked like Beast back in his varsity (American) football days against Cresco or Oelwein. Or at least against Charles City.
• I was watching the Cardinals-Astros game tonight on ESPN HD, and there was a problem with the audio feed, meaning I couldn't hear Joe Morgan. And I thought HD programming couldn't get any better! And I'm not kidding when I say that when they switched us to the ESPN Deportes audio feed, and each team proceeded to hit home runs, prompting those bizarre, soccer-goal-like calls, I could only be described as divertido.
• During the commercials of the ballgame, I checked out "Frankenfish" on Sci-Fi. I noticed, without looking at the credits, that Richard Edson was among the cast. Just moments after I recognized him under a head of dreadlocks, he was decapitated by the title character, a gentically altered snakehead fish whose voracious appetite was sated by preying on people. I found it sad that Edson, original drummer for Sonic Youth and the actor who owned great bit parts in the 1980s (Do the Right Thing, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Platoon, and Eight Men Out), found himself being killed by a gilled creature in the 21st century. About as sad as me choosing this as my PCP ("previous channel programming") for the night.
• I hope everyone is enjoying "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" in season 2. No punch line here.
  
  

This entry is rated U.G.

First, read this story about a movie rating controversy swirling through Congress. Christian film's PG rating troubles Congress

OK, now here's an open letter to House Majority Whip Roy Blunt.

Mr. Blunt:

I know you hate this kind of language, but seriously: Are you fucking kidding me?

This is what you were elected to do? No other pressing issues in the U.S. House of Representatives? No votes to increase your pay? Nothing?

Let me slap you in the face with a simple truth: Kids across your red states can freely enter the movie without showing ID, although they better not try to sneak in any Skittles.

The ratings board thinks there might be enough of a certain subject matter--MPAA Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Dan Glickman identified "a mature discussion of pregnancy," for starters--to make some parents think twice about freely sending in their 8-year-old. So they rated the movie ... conservatively.

So what do you do? Here's that incredulous excerpt from your raving letter to the MPAA:

"This incident raises the disquieting possibility that the MPAA considers exposure to Christian themes more dangerous for children than exposure to gratuitous sex and violence."

Do you listen to yourself? Did you reread this crap? You're acting like your God-forsaken movie got slapped with an NC-17 or an R rating! It's PG, for heaven's sake. Many well-attended, respected, wholesome movies have carried a similar rating.

• Rudy
• E.T.
• Field of Dreams
• Hoosiers
• Searching for Bobby Fischer
• Stand and Deliver
• Apollo 13
• The Incredibles
• Chariots of Fire (one with religious themes)

Need I go on? I should also point out that although I find the ratings board to be terribly inconsistent on adult fare (blow shit up/kill everyone, R; sensuality or profane language, NC-17), I think they've actually figured it out for films intended for younger audiences. The PG-13 rating raises a red flag to parents that such a film probably has some drug use or some sexual situations. These days, movies such as "Airplane!" or "Sixteen Candles" probably don't get PG ratings.

And where is the alleged gratuitous sex and/or violence in PG movies these days? Or in G movies, for that matter? Your argument saying the MPAA is tougher on religion than on sex and violence makes me think "Cars" must have some perv appeal. Movies with this content are getting tougher ratings than PG. I'm sure you know that to be true.

The PG rating isn't worth all this thunder; it certainly isn't an attack on religion. You might be upset that the MPAA is flip-flopping its response in the press, but I'm guessing everyone was so surprised by your reaction that they really didn't know how to respond to it. Your party has handled flip-flopping opposition before, so what are you worried about?

Save the congressional theatrics and live with the PG rating. Unless you don't believe your constituents can offer sound guidance to their children without the help of the MPAA. If they can't do that, can we really respect their elected representative?

P.S.--I feel like I should end with a funny factoid (or perhaps it's a "truism"): If Iowa ceded the southern part of the state to Missouri, both states would get a lot smarter. (Zing!)

Boo Lives...

For any regular readers of this website (which is probaby not as many as I tell people it is) you have seen many references to the legendary "Uncle Boo". Well just like when Dylan McKay reappeared on 90210...Boo is back. I opened my Sunday paper yesterday and on the front page of the "Celebrations" section was the great one himself...GETTING MARRIED. Come on Boo!!! You have a career to ressurect here!

Revisit the Legend:
http://uncoachable.blogspot.com/2005/12/ug-classic-legend-of-uncle-boo.html

Update: Here's a link to the announcement: Good job, Boo