Week 4 Parlay

I thought my back was sore helping the significant other move to a new apartment this week, and then I found out I was carrying Chris along in the Parlay picks last week too. I felt like Wes in the last Real World/Road Rules challenge carrying Casey's bags and his own across the finish line trying to win each week. Knowing Chris's saying at the top of the page "karma's a bizzle" is dead true I probably won't win another game the rest of the season. Anyway, we've regrouped. We're rested. We have the most important game in Kinnick Stadium since 1985 this week. This is big. And this is where Chris and I dominate. I would double up on these picks.

Matt:
Ravens +2.5 I liked this game early, and love it now. Give Ray Lewis points at home, and this seems like a layup.
Browns -2.5 This is more a bet AGAINST the Raiders than it is for the Browns, but oh well. Pick your own damn games if you don't like it.

Chris:

K-State (-1.5) at Baylor. Layup game here too. Chris is on the money with this one.
Bengals (-6) vs. Patriots. I once read that you are never supposed to bet against Tom Brady when he is an underdog, but Chris isn't scurrred and therefore neither am I.

So there you have it. We are going to dominate this week. Dominate on three...ONE, TWO, THREE...DOMINATE.

and LET'S GO HAWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (and Screech sex)

The Good
My team showed some life in The Keeper, as Clinton Portis, Roy Williams, Andre Johnson, and second-half Eli Manning propelled me to the top score of the week. I’m within striking distance of the lead (I won’t mention who currently sits there, aside from mentioning that he finished there the last two seasons), but there have been some alarming trends:

• Steven Jackson can’t spell TD: The Rims have returned to the ways of “Ground Chuck” Knox, running the ball like it was 1956. Yet the guy who gets at least 20 carries a game, and has managed good yardage each week, can’t cross the fat stripe. Mike Martz probably feels good about the fact that Jeff Wilkins is the most potent fantasy player on the Rims, now that Martz is gone. Of course, Martz runs the O on a team that’s 0-3, but the Rims are boring! Win-loss be damned!
• Jake Delhomme was a bad first pick: Don’t read that as the #1 overall pick; the eight of us each keep between four to six players on our teams from the year before. But I did pick this guy ahead of Donovan McNabb. I figured I’d rather have the QB with a playmaker (albeit one with Clarkinson’s disease) instead of the Campbell’s soup guy who (again) has question marks at WR. As if my 0-for-6 parlay performance wasn’t evidence enough, let me state that I really have no idea what I’m talking about—I just love to type. My fingers are quite dexterous.
• Cadillac’s a lemon(-ass): Scott Mitchell was once described in a fantasy football mag as a “lemon ass,” and I think it’s fair to slap the same label on Cadillac. And should I have expected anything else? He’s fragile. He still has the goal-line hawk Mike Alstott to worry about. His offensive line puts up less resistance than the girls in my junior high who joined the “Finger Bang” club at the hands (literally) of high school scurves. His offensive mates are getting hit so hard they lose their spleens. Does that equate fantasy stud? That sounds more like Kevan Barlow (who also resides on my team).
• Jesus, this was supposed to be the “Good” section?
  

The Packers won! I bet it was a good game. I wouldn’t know, since the year I don’t get the NFL Sunday Ticket is the year the local markets stop showing the Pack, but the final score looked nice. I did see some highlights, including the Jennings TD. Do you think Dre Bly might have had a case for holding on that play? Driver (or whoever) gets a hand on Bly, Jennings runs by, and Bly turns and gives chase with his shoulder pads suddenly flopping outside his jersey. But if they don’t call a penalty, it’s a great block. So that was a great block. Just tell me Favre comes out slinging every game. Why bother with the run? We have no run blocking. We have no running back threat. (Ahman? Please.) Hence, we have no running game. McCarthy can eat a dick: Get FOUR in a rhythm early and keep us in games.

The Bad
My fantasy baseball team (currently named “Team Waiver Wire”) is getting thumped in the championship round. I managed to knock out Matt and another of his relatives before going in the tank in the finals. But hey, I didn’t expect to make the playoffs, much less the championship round, so getting my ass handed to me in the finals almost qualifies as “Good.” My team name is derived from my daily adding and dropping of at least three starting pitchers in an effort to win the Wins and Ks categories (and potentially ERA and WHIP, although waiver dudes probably won’t help those causes). Our league has no cap on roster moves, so I might as well go through the loophole.

The Ugly
OK, I’m ZERO-FOR-FUCKIN’-SIX in the parlay picks. I’m thinking about letting my not-yet-crawling son pick my games for me. I figured I’ll put an odds sheet on the floor in front of him, and whichever two teams he drools on first will be the picks. Like it could get any worse? And I’m not losing heartbreakers, last week’s Bears game excluded. I knowingly took the Falcons last Monday against the Saints IN THE SUPERDOME RESURRECTION GAME? If the NFL could ensure patriotic feeling by having the Patriots win the first Super Bowl after Sept. 11, 2001—I smell conspiracy in everything—shouldn’t I have known there’s no way the Falcons could beat the new “America’s Team”? (Somebody actually called the Saints that.) And I bet on the Notre Dame hype against Michigan? I thought Jake Plummer could beat the Rims in St. Louis? I bet against the Jags in Jacksonville…TWICE? I laid points on the road team in one of those games? I hope Junior slobbers on a couple of winners this week.

The Fugly
While Mario Lopez is dancing with stars, Dustin Diamond is…having sex in front of video cameras. Surprisingly, this is not a one-man show; there are two women romping about with Screech in a 40-minute production. The tape is titled “Saved by the Smell”; if you just threw up a little bit in your mouth, that’s understandable. (Click here for more details.) Couldn’t Tiffani-Amber Thiessen have done this? Or at least Lark Voorhies?

Random Thought of the Day...

Tonight was the first night back in the Superdome in New Orleans. All you have heard this whole game is how the city of New Orleans is trying to heal itself, rebuild, how football was going to let the city get away from all of their problems for just a few hours. You know what I was thinking at the coin toss? How in the hell does the Referee Ed Hochuli keep that physique at his age? That dude looks like he could play linebacker right now. What do you just have to not eat bread, or not drink beer? Here's to you Mr Hochuli. Sorry City of New Orleans.

Pick'ems Tres

Panthers over Bucs- Only because President Bush visited the Bucs this week and we all know about his Midas Touch.

Bears over Vikings- Look at 'Sexy Rexy' going off. Say no more mon amor!

Cincy over Steelers- Chad Johnson scores pulls out a copy of Sports Illustrated's NFL preview issue (featuring Joey Porter on it) and releives himself on it. Porter goes apeshit and gets tossed

Detroit over Green Bay- Brett always sucks at Detroit.

Colts over Jags- Winston Wolf Theory (Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet gentlemen.) Yeah the shut out the Steelers. This isn't the Steelers offense.

Jets over Bills- Pennington is back. Thanks to some amazing run after the catch skills of his wideouts.

Titans over Dolphins- Daunte Culpepper-Terrible= Vince Young.

Redskins over Texans- Is Ironhead Heyward starting this week for the Texans. (Yes, I know he's dead, but he could still start.)

Ravens over Browns- Jesus do the Ravens play a team with a decent offense this year!

Seahawks over Giants- Alexander is banged up. So what Hasselbeck to Branch yo!

Eagles over Niners- Go keeper D.

Cards over Rams- When did the Rams become the least exciting team in football. It happened overnight.

Patriots over Broncos- Coaching genius showdown. Just ask them.

Falcons over Saints- In a shootout. Think the Saints are gonna get Reggie the ball much in this one? Me too.

Week 3 Parlay

The unthinkable happened last week, we went 0-4. Statistics say we could flip a coin 4 times and pick TWO games right. Must be bad karma. So this week I adopted the Hulk Hogan way of life as my own. I trained ( watched SportsCenter ever night), I ate my vitamins (a couple of vicodin for these headaches I got all week), and I said my prayers (please God don't let the millions and millions of readers that look to us for advice down). And then my picks came to me in a vision. Chris pulled his out of his ass. So without further hesitation...you can take these to the bank, or bookie if you have one of those.

Chris: FALCONS(-3) against the Saints. I almost dropped the phone when he called that in, but what the hell do I know about anything. I think he just wants to say "ca-caw" alot this weekend.
BEARS (-3.5) against the Vikings. There's an old saying in sports that you don't lay points against anybody when they are playing at home. But at this point in the season we are past what the "book" says you should do. Plus Chris says the Bears have a lot of PHN's on the team.

Matt:Colts/Jags (Under42.5)...keep betting the same bet and eventually you have to be right. "Beck's Law of Averages"

Nebraska (-23.5) They are playing Troy this week, not the Men of Troy. They are going to be angry and want to show Husker-Nation that the season isn't in the shitcan just yet. Even though it is.

Today's important discussions

MATT
If you were the Pack and had the number 1 pick next year (which is a real possibility) would you take Brady Quinn or Adrian Peterson?

CHRIS
Adrian Peterson, no hesitation. Quinn doesn’t look so good behind a not-that-great line, which is exactly what he would be playing behind in GB. Meanwhile, teams gear up against the run yet Peterson still goes off. Ahman is almost dead. Rodgers’ arm looked surprisingly strong in the limited preseason stuff I saw, and I’m guessing if we’re 2-8 in mid-November, we’ll get a real look at what he’s got.

Plus, we got AJ Hawk, which means we locked down Quinn’s sister for crowd shots already.

MATT
She’s a good one.

------------------------------------

CHRIS
Another year tacked on to your boy’s contract. I’m sure you’re jacked up.

MATT
???

CHRIS
Stevie Hair Gel got another one-year extension, it was announced today. Through 2011.

MATT
Good, when he takes us to the final four in a couple of years, people are going to cry.

CHRIS
Do they call the NIT semifinals “the final four”? (Ha ha ha)

MATT
Mark my words...

Enhancing Brent's broadcast

Check out this Brent Musberger drinking game: Folks, here it is

Week 2 pick'ems

Let's get to it

Bills over Miami- The Bills locker room is up in arms about Troy Vincenet being put on IR. Normally I'd pick against them. However, Daunte C. still plays for the Phins and I can't pick with him.

Vikings over Panthers- I liked the fact that Childress gave his back 30 carries last week. Steve Hutchinson was killing dudes. Steve Smith probably out. Sucks to be Carolina.

Bengals over Browns- Charlie Frye likes to run a little bit. Hope someone showed him that tape of Robert Geathers last week.

Bears over Lions- The Lions D looked impressive last week. That Sims kid was laying shots on people. The Bears D looked impressive also. The were laying a legend to rest. Sorry Brett.

Colts over Texans- The Texans might be the only team in NFL history to start a different running back each week. But they in no way shape or form needed Reggie Bush.

Saints over Packers- Speaking of which New Legend (Bush) takes the torch from Old Legend (Favre) this weekend like it was his parent's rent money.

Eagles over Giants- 2 more games until Stallworth pops a hammy and that smile will be off Donny Mac's face.

Ravens over Raiders- Hiroshima on a football field anyone?

Falcons over Bucs- Vick, Dunn, and Norwood will combine for over 250 rushing yards this week.
Chirs Simms won't throw for 200.

Seahawks over Cards- Hasselbeck and Alexander get back on track with a visit to the cure all Cards D.

Niners over Rams- Just picking the Niners because I hope Vernon Davis runs over Leonard Little like Litttle runs over pedestrians in his car when he's drunk.

Broncos over Chiefs-klsdjfsdkjfsdfjsklfj;sldkg;sdiogsdijsdlkjsd;lj......is what the inside of Trent Green's head looks like right now. Trent you might need to tap out. That shot you took was on par with the Steve Young and Troy Aikman career enders. (New nickname alert!) You should go the G.I. Jane route and ring the damn bell. (Sorry movie was on HBO this week.) Trent "G.I. Jane" Green.

Patriots over Jets- Pennington looked great last week. Brady wins without any wideouts whatsoever.

Chargers over Titans- Phil Rivers gets to do something other than hand off this week. Billy Volek carries Rivers bags back to his pad after the game.

Cowboys over Redskins- T.O. is going to go off. Joe Gibbs might reconsider NASCAR.

Jags over Steelers- Batch will probably go again this week. There is no way he'll have 2 good games in a row. If he does start looking for the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse.

Parlay picks, Week 2

I don't recall the exact spreads, so I'm estimating, but here's what we have going into this football weekend:

Matt
Boise State -8
Under in Colts/Texans (47)

Chris
Notre Dame -5.5
Steelers -2.5

Maybe this time ... ???

Another Little League loser coach

Ah, if you thought intentionally walking a Little League slugger to face the kid recovering from cancer was heartwarming, it's time to visit the trial of the coach who bribed one of his 8-year-old athletes to take out a teammate because the teammate was autistic and, you know, it was playoff time!

The coach's lawyer isn't much better, as he jerks off over "inconsistencies" in the boys' stories. Here's an excerpt:

"Mr. Shaffer [the coach's lawyer--ed.] called attention to inconsistent statements and the boys' difficulty in remembering details. Harry [autistic kid--ed.], for example, could not recall whether he went to his coach after being hit or what his mother did. He also could not remember where on the field the incident occurred, how far apart the boys were standing or whether he joined his teammates for ice cream."

You got 'em dead to rights, pal.

To read the whole story on the testimony, click here.

Parlay apologies, Vol. 1

No, we didn’t dominate our Week 1 parlay like we’d hoped. Thanks to Matt’s OSU pick, we ended up missing ONLY 3 of the 4 games. So we weren’t Buccaneers-bad; it was more like Broncos-bad—fitting since they were one of the three teams that screwed us.

Since I missed both my games, I should write the apology letter to anyone who might have taken our advice to Vegas.

How were we to know that Jeff Wilkins would outscore the entire Broncos team? Shoot, Wilkins outscored the Broncos, Packers, Buccaneers, Raiders, and Panthers combined.

All Drew Bledsoe had to do was be average and the Cowboys win. That’s it. Mediocre. Jason Manson. Nothing more. I’m guessing Tony Romo can be average. I will have to wait for Romo to line up under center to pick these guys again.

The point spread leads to some incredible fun. Beck was just a 2-yard run away from covering both of his games, but when the Colts couldn’t convert on third down with about 1:30 to go, they had to kick a field goal, pushing their 2-point lead to 5, thus covering the 3.5 given to Beck’s Giants. Addai (or Rhodes, whoever, both equally inept) picks up the first, clock runs out, Beck can chide me for being Bledsoe-esque in predicting games. Instead…well, it made me feel a little better.

Tune in later this week for our first victorious parlay pick!

Week 1
Wins: Ohio State
Losses: Cowboys, Broncos, Giants

Good call, Tony

Kornheiser asked whether Sean Taylor's reputation as a certified member of Marsellus Wallace's crew had anything to do with him drawing a personal foul call on a key third-down play. Of course, Theismann pretty much discounted Tony's statement (nothing new).

So isn't it peculiar that when a Viking went up and cracked a "defenseless" receiver along the sideline during the game's final drive, the unknown Viking player didn't draw a similar penalty?

Well, congrats to the ViQueens, who improve their record to 3-0 on the season (put them down for two wins against the Pack).

Crikey! Beast's NFL picks are in!

The editor must make an apology here. I was asleep at the wheel and didn't organize the NFL pick 'ems that we did last year. But Beast surprised me with picks for Week 1. And these were in my inbox before kickoff of the Thursday game, so it shows you how "with it" I've been.

As you'll see, he abstained from picking the Bears-Packers game, probably because as a Bears fan, he is scared. Or he figures a Bears prediction is assumed universally. Personally, I think he's scared.

OK, without further ado, here's Beast's "Croc Hunter Tribute Edition" of the NFL Pick 'ems.

Dolphins over the Steelers: Marine life is not to be fucked with this week as proven by one Steve Irwin.

Falcons over Panthers: Steve Smith showing early signs of Clarkinson's disease. His hamstring has a hole in it comprable to Irwin's sternum.

Ravens over Bucs: How scary can the Ravens be if they can keep McNair healthy. Scarier than a bathtub full of stingrays.

Patriots over Bills: Tom Brady has looked stingray-barb sharp in the preseason.

Saints over Browns: Reggie Bush would put a juke move on that ray, trampled it, pulled it onto the beach, struck the Heisman pose, than ran to grill it at his parents' house, which is being paid for by some agents. He's that versatile.

Cowboys over Jags: Wanted to pick the Jags but the Boys have The Tuna and as I said before marine life is holding the cards this week.

SEAhawks over Lions: I capitalized SEA to emphasize the marine life point.

Vikings over Skins: Vikings have boats that float on the sea. Good enough, and the Skins don't have Portis.

Colts over Giants: Manning bowl. Peyton and Eli have brother named Cooper that everyone in the Manning family agrees was the best athlete of the 3 bros. His football career was cut short by either a tragic stingray accident or a spinal cord condition, I can't remember which.

Titans over Jets: I would rather get stung (not killed) by a stingray than watch this game.

Broncos over Rams: Rumor has it that Shanahan is contemplating starting a Stingray at RB next week because he is that much of a fucking terrorist.

Cards over Niners: Niners are worse than that CrocHunter movie.

Philly over Texans: Andy Reid looks like a walrus. Marine life rule applies.

Bengals over Chiefs: You've seen the Madden commercial with the "How do you stop 85?" question. The answer is: have a stingray stab him in the heart. Luckily forthe Bengals, Chad, and my Keeper team, Kansas City is landlocked. Go Chad.

San Diego over Raiders: Whale's vagina is a marine life qualifier. Thank you, Ron Burgundy.

----

As a side note I have been having fun with the death of, from all accounts, a decent guy. Humor is how I deal with things so those of you who read these jokes will have to live with it. You've heard it 1,000 times this week. Steve Irwin died doing what he loved best, interacting with animals. It's true I've never seen someone so happy to get bit in the face by a snake.

Jokes aside he did change the world to some extent; he helped educate people about conservation and animal behavior. I heard somewhere that before Steve Irwin there were 2 weekly wildlife shows and today there are 29. The bigwigs at Animal Planet owe everything they own to that guy. Their habitats were paid for by this guy running around in some King Cobra's habitat. I watched his show when I could and was amazed at what he did. Wrestling crocs, handling snakes, whatever. He was a bad mofo. Too bad it ended like that.

G'day to the Croc Hunter.

Parlay picks: Week 1

Matt and I are so eager to prove how smart we are, we decided to pick a four-game parlay each weekend during football season, and we're such nice guys, we also decided to publish our picks here at The U.G. so our readers can use this financial advice as they see fit. (Bet against us, we dare you!)

So here we go, our ticket to our first $100 or so:

Matt’s picks
Colts (-3.5) @ Giants: Well it's been hyped as Manning vs. Manning all summer, and now these two are making commercials together too, so something tells me they are going to keep it close, just to bring a lot of hype to national TV on Opening Weekend. Giants D tends to bring it one game a year, and with Dom Rhodes running instead of Ed James (no way the rookie Addai gets into this game; understand the blocking system first), the Colts are going to be a little hamstrung (no pun intended, Steve Smith). I'll take the points. GIANTS +3.5

Ohio State @ Texas (-2.5): #1 vs #2 on national TV, in "sparkling" HDTV. If it is even half as close as last year's game, it will be a thriller. That Texas corner whose name escapes me probably got caught with the weed and gat so he didn't have to try to cover Mr. Ted Ginn Jr., who if he was on the Hawkeyes might be my favorite player in the NCAA. I'll again take the points, and listen for Brent Musburger ride the bandwagon of the BUCKEYES +2.5

Chris’ picks
Cowboys @ Jaguars (-2.5)—Speaking of hype, the latest chapter in the soap opera known as “Dallas” has involved a coach who refuses to refer to his prized free agent by name (or initials), that player spending more time on a bike than Kevin Bacon in “Quicksilver,” a quarterback controversy involving Tony Romo, and a backfield battle that might leave some followers of America’s Team pining for “Triangle” Hambrick. Sunday brings the best cure for all of these media-driven storylines: an actual game. I like the Cowboys outright in this one; the Jags’ offense isn’t scary to anyone...outside of Jacksonville. COWBOYS +2

Broncos @ Rams (+3.5)--The reigning terrorist visits the former home of another terrorist. Shanahan is showing he is the master of terrorism with Mike Bell/Tatum Bell/Cedric Cobbs(?) comprising his backfield. Plus they added Javon Walker, who LAST YEAR was more of a presence than Ashley Lelie. The Rims D list me, Beck, and Beast on the two-deeps, and we're making a push for starting gigs (one side, Dexter Coakley). I'm hoping Steven Jackson gets his, but I have to go with the BRONCOS (-3.5)

So there you go. You can congratulate us now, if you'd like.

The bar is set pretty high in Green Bay

Boy, expectations are not exactly "sky's the limit" in Green Bay, if this snippet from SI.com's Don Banks is any indication:

"If [Coach Mike] McCarthy can coax anything approaching respectability from these Packers, he might get a coach of the year vote or two."

Approach respectability, earn Coach of the Year consideration. Sad, but true. I pull for the Pack week in, week out, and even in times like these, it hurts when they lose, but I'm not stupid. The people who drink the green and gold Kool-Aid remind me of the guy in "Full Metal Jacket" who talks about how "these are great days we're living, bros!" while sitting in a demolished building with his arm around a dead Viet Cong soldier. I hope I'm as wrong about the Pack as I was about my fantasy baseball season this year, let's leave it at that.

And speaking of low expectations, some dude who goes by "nordberg" on a Washington Post blog had this comment about fantasy footballers:

"You geeks who engage in 'fantasy' football are on the same level as Dungeons & Dragons Guy. Even Renaissance Festival Guy thinks you all need to get lives--and girlfriends."

First off, I knew some D&D guys when I was in high school and they ALL got pussy. (Outside of the game, just to be clear.) Second, the five guys who have won championships in The Keeper either have wives or girlfriends. Third, what sort of knob names himself after O.J.'s "Naked Gun" character? Fourth and final thought: tread lightly with Renaissance Festival Guy.

Playoffs?!? PLAYOFFS?!?

Yes, indeed, PLAYOFFS. Team Fragile aka The Fantasy Claw aka TEAM TURN IT ON went 36-6-2 down the stretch to vault into a playoff slot in the world-renowned Beck family fantasy baseball league. An amazing feat, no doubt; I finished two places higher than I predicted I would (sixth instead of eighth). However, it's clear looking back at my April commentary that I had no idea what I was doing on draft day.

Let's reflect on some of my post-draft, preseason analysis of Team Fragile (originally named Team Karkovice).

Round Two: "I have a serious man crush on [Miguel] Cabrera, so I couldn't help myself here. I ignored the fact that he will have nothing for protection in the lineup, which will probably cost me. "

Hmmm. Dan Uggla, Mike Jacobs, Hanley Ramirez, Josh Willingham, etc., etc. They've all hit pretty well, especially Uggla.

Round Three: Jake Peavy goes two picks before mine, so I settle for Roy Halladay.

I cried like a girl with skinned knees when Peavy was snatched off the board. I had to settle for Halladay's 16-5 record while watching Peavy put up nearly two losses for each win for ChiSox fanatic Pat Beck's team. So yeah, my Peavy statements make me look stupid, but Pat and Peavy are holding hands in the consolation round, which makes up for it.

Round Four: "Should Todd Helton respond with a healthy season, he might be THE steal at No. 32."

Hmmpfh. (That's how I spell a stifled laugh.) Each round, I identified guys I almost took instead of the guy I eventually picked. This round? Travis Hafner. Oops.

Round Five: "Another pitcher, and one whose team won't win 58 games, for Scott Motors."

I was talking about Dontrelle Willis. His Florida Marlins, going into tonight, were actually a game above .500 at 69-68.

Round Six: "Is [Johnny] Damon seriously the best OF I could find on the board? Yikes. I like Tim Hudson. If the best I could do was Damon, I should have waited another round on OF and taken Hudson. (He went No. 60.) Still pissed about Peavy. Cabrera can't console me."

There are so many things wrong with that paragraph. Damon ended up being arguably my best hitter behind Cabrera. Hudson was terribly average. I'm still crying about a guy who ended up not pitching well, and I've reiterated my man-crush on Cabrera. Yikes.

Round Seven

Nothing to quote here, but this is the round where Ryan Howard was drafted. He's no Todd Helton, though.

Round Eight: "Chris Ray sucks."

31 saves, 2.93 ERA, 1.01 WHIP and 2 wins. Yeah, terrible. He's no Huston Street ...

Round Nine: "[Huston] Street is going to save 48 games this year. Write it down."

29 saves, 3.22 ERA, 0.99 WHIP, 4 wins. He's WAY better than Chris Ray. Street needs to save 19 of Oakland's last 25 games to hit my prediction. Seeing as he's on the DL, it's a long shot (write THAT down).

Round Twelve: I draft Zack Duke.

Ouch.

Round Fourteen: "Coco Crisp (probably as good as Damon, who I took in Round Six)."

Probably not.


So how did I get in the playoffs?

Some decent drafting: Cabrera, Halladay, Francisco Rodriguez, Damon, Mike Mussina (in Round 16), and Street (for the most part) have been great. Posada, M. Young, and Chad Tracy have been consistent.

Free agency: Jon Papelbon within the first few days of the season was huge. I also grabbed T. Saito once it was clear Gagne was toast. As the year went on, I scooped up Bill Hall, Uggla, Brett Myers (not long after the alleged assault), Jered Weaver (while he was back in the minors), Chien-Ming Wang, and most recently (and arguably most importantly) Carlos Delgado.

So now I'm facing Matt, the defending champion, and if I get by him, I face the team I predicted as league champion way back in April.

Given that prediction, I suddenly like my chances.

Can't blame Canada for this

The American Film Institute has one glaring omission from its 25 best musicals: "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut."

Seriously.

I'm not lobbying to put it atop the list, but couldn't we bump ultra-trendy "Moulin Rouge!" (#25) or the dopey "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" (#21)? I truly believe SP:BL&U is a wonderful example of satire. And the songs are enjoyable if not downright clever; even the Academy agrees with me, nominating "Blame Canada" for best song.

And if you don't see the humor in mirroring "Oklahoma!" in the song "Uncle Fucka," well, how bad do you suck?

Happy Trails Andre...

Once again Father Time has captured another of my sports heroes this weekend. Father Time made Andre Agassi ride off into the sunset like the end of a cowboy movie. No Jimmy Connors, circa 1991, run for Andre either, he was out of gas. He was taking cortisone shots just to get out on the court, and he was 10-15 years older than pretty much everyone in the tournament. Wily veterans don't survive in tennis the way left handed relief pitchers do in baseball. Once you hit 30 it's lights out. Andre Agassi was the only reason I watch tennis anymore, similar to Tiger Woods being the only reason I watch golf. He had it. You had to like the guy, had to root for him, he made shit interesting.

I had been watching this guy for like 15 years play tennis. I watched him date Barbara Streisand, marry Brooke Shields, and live the rock star life. I stayed up until 4:00 in the morning watching his matches in the Australian Open. I taped matches of his. My buddy Junior even bought all of the shoes Agassi had, the fluorescent outfits, the rackets, probably would have even worn his hairstyle too, but was busy having the Vanilla Ice lines shaved into his head. I played tennis because of Andre Agassi. So the fifteen years of following this guy were now down to 7 matches. Just step it up for seven matches Andre.

Agassi got a shitty draw, got through the first round, knocked out the 8 seed in the second round, and then the tank went dry and the back wouldn't cooperate and it was all he could do just to get a serve in. But it was magic. The whole stadium was rocking, begging for him to get back in the match. They were hoping the 36 year old back would hold up, and the guy could shock the world one more time. It didn't happen, he got ousted by some young punk who 5 years ago wouldn't even have been on the same court with Agassi.

Even in defeat the guy could hold a crowd. Before match point you could see Agassi crying on the court knowing his career was over. After the match, he gave a speech where nobody left the stadium and cried the whole way through it. Incidentally he is worth hundreds of millions of dollars and is married to the best female tennis player ever (who is still smoking hot too) so it's not like the guy is going to be bagging groceries tomorrow or something. But I wanted the run to go on a little more. I was reminded of when Zach and Kelly broke up in "Saved By the Bell" when that song "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" was playing and Kelly said, "It wasn't supposed to be this way, not for us". I felt the same way for me and Andre. Maybe that's why I shouldn't care about sports as much as I do, because everyone's career ends. I just wanted the run to go on a little longer. Valla con Dios Andre, it was a hell of a ride.