Ken Burns has nothing on Conan

Ah yes, 1864 baseball. (Thanks to my bro Matt T. for this link.)

Conan O'Brien revisits baseball's roots

Best love song since "At a Medium Pace"

Full disclosure: I heard snippets of this song on Colin Cowherd's radio show the other day. I was having a shitty morning--found out our cat died shortly after getting to work--so I figured I'd throw on some dorky talk radio as I drove home. (I listen to a lot of depressing music, so that didn't seem like a good idea.) And Cowherd allowed me a chuckle as I made the otherwise dreary drive.

So anyway, I've had unkind words for Cowherd in the past, so I guess this is my way of saying he's not so bad. I won't be rewriting any Kenny Rogers songs in his honor. Until that day comes, enjoy this Patriots fan's rendition of "Lady," which has been changed to ...

"Brady"

Uncoachable Gangster(s) of the Day: 1/27/2007

After a couple of days, we've accumulated a good list of UGs of the Day. Where to start?

Might as well look at how some students at UConn School of Law and Tarleton State University in Texas celebrated MLK Day. Pretty fly for white guys.

UConn law students

Tarleton students

Or how about this guy, who undoubtedly has DVDs of both "Mannequin" and "Mannequin 2: On the Move." (Side note: According to IMDb.com, "Mannequin 2" is playing on TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES in early February. !?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!??!)

Ronald Dotson

Or the 29-year-old sex offender who passed for a seventh grader in two schools? At least Wooderson from "Dazed and Confused" trolled for underage chicks without going under false pretenses.

Neil Rodreick

Or how about these chicks who included Oprah, Tom Cruise, and the Energizer Bunny (????) on a kill list, which happened to include people a little more "killable"--classmates and school personnel. At least they aimed high, seeing as the Energizer Bunny just keeps going and going and going and going and going and going and going ...

Ninth-grade chicks from Tennessee

Or the Denton (Texas) High School star who is so obviously "da bomb"? Apparently he's a triple threat: score, rebound, call in bomb threats. Life imitates art: much like the troublesome Voodoo from "Friday Night Lights," this dude is a Katrina ... um, is refugee the right word?

Howard Stirgus

And let's get a pro athlete in there. He's a current Detroit Lion, former St. Louis Ram, and a Bengal at heart.

Tyoka Jackson

Cannon kid update: What a blast

I liked this story better when it was one-sided.

Cannon Kid shot off his mouth too?

Beast's nightmare, caught on film

Porn in high-def. Discuss ...

I wonder if Nikki Nova looks good in 1080i. Hard to say. (Ha.) Two newspaper articles take a look at pornography in the high-def era, both its effect on the format and the format's effect on the sleaze. I think one of the performers summed it up with her "biggest concern about high-def is razor burn" quote.

Like a prude thumbing through Playboy, it's time to enjoy the articles (New York Times and Wall Street Journal, respectively).

High-def porn: Too real for pervs?

The XXX Factor favors HD-DVD

Uncoachable Gangster(s) of the Day: 1/23/2007

No shortage of uncoachable folk out there. Tonight: a DJ perv, a squirrely squirrel hunter, and an alleged murderer (who is a certified cyber-love loser). What a crew of UGs.

Scott Cortelyou

James A. Nichols

Thomas Montgomery

Observations from Championship Weekend

Some truths learned/remembered over the weekend:

A guy will drive the speed limit (or faster) despite wintry conditions when he forgets to set the DVR for the NFC Championship game before leaving for a weekend in St. Louis.

I got a glimpse of the new Busch Stadium from the heights of the Arch. It looked great. Almost as great as that sign naming the nearby highway the Mark McGwire Expressway or whatever it's actually called. Are there roadways named for Stan Musial? Ozzie Smith? Please, for the sake of baseball, tell me there is, even if it's in St. Charles.

Fitz's root beer is pretty good. The food was even better. Service sucked.

I had forgotten what a good movie we have in "Garden State."

What about the football, you ask? I did make it home in time to shovel the drive and still make the 2 p.m. kickoff of the Bears game, so ...

If the Saints were going to co-opt a theme song, why did they have to steal an annoying one? There wasn't anything cooler than the Bengals' "Who Dey" thing? They were just asking America to forfeit all of the good will they were given post-Katrina ...

The Saints proved they didn't belong in the Super Bowl long before the gap widened. If you allow a team to hand the ball of 8 times to the same guy for a total gain of 69 yards and a TD, you're not capable of playing championship football. Perhaps I wouldn't make such a statement if the Colts were the opposing team--you can't sell out against the run with Peyton Manning under center. But if I was defending the Bears, wouldn't I be begging Rex Grossman to be the one forced to make plays? 10 in the box, baby; there's no way anyone's allowing Rex Grossman to gain 69 yards via 8 handoffs on my watch.

His inconsistent play allows me to make the previous statement, but I won't beat up on Grossman's performance on Sunday. Statistically ugly, perhaps, but I think if certain QBs (Manning, Brady, even FOUR) were struggling in those conditions, the weather angle would be played up. Instead, Grossman's stats were treated as proof that he's a complete hack. However, he made the right plays throughout the game, and made some big completions to give his team some separation with just a four-point cushion. I'd sooner have Rex in waiting than Aaron Rodgers or Martin Ingle, as is the Pack's case.

But Rex: You can't miss a wide-open Desmond Clark on Feb. 4. The Colts score too many points for that to happen again.

I was among those pounding nails into the Colts coffin after the Asante Samuel TD. I was gleefully (I'm afraid that's the most appropriate word) taunting Haley Joel Manning, yelling to my wife, "Hey, Manning just threw a touchdown! To the wrong team! Whoooooooo!" (I hate the Patriots, yet I couldn't bring myself to cheer for Big Haley Joel. More on that in a sec.) I thought it was safe to write off the Colts when they couldn't get a TD at the end of the half. Shows what I know. The Colts had Beast's mentality on Sunday: you can't make the big comeback unless you get down big. Dungy put it best at half: We come out and score to start the second half, it's a one-score game, and we have a legit shot. And indeed, they did. Big ups to Dallas Clark (Hawkeye!), Bob Sanders (Hawkeye!), Joe Klecko's kid, and even Manning.

Tracy kept asking me why I was cheering against nice-guy Peyton Manning. I guess it's because I'm sick of seeing him all season long--the Colts are on TV a lot, and even when they're not, Big Haley Joel's mug shows up every time there's a commercial break in the action. (Granted, most of the MasterCard commercials are funny, but many of the other ads are not.) And isn't it OK to cheer against the good guy? On "Lost," I'm always pulling for Sawyer, not Jack. I'm a lifelong fan of the Evil Empire, the New York Yankees. I even cheered for Rebecca DeMornay in "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle"--I voiced my displeasure to the entire theater when she fell to her death, prompting the girl who was on her first date with me to nervously tell me to shut the hell up. Plus, I'd kinda like to see Favre stay ahead of Manning in the Super Bowl rings category, and Manning has a lot more bullets in his gun at this stage in his career.

Reche Caldwell's eyes remind me of that runaway bride freak. Reche Caldwell's hands remind me of those of a sight-impaired shop teacher. Or those of Jerramy Stevens.

Tom Brady will have to be consoled by Giselle. It could be worse.

Another Rex Grossman criticism I read said that he was the second-best quarterback on the field against the Saints, and that he certainly would be against Manning. If it works out the same for him in the Super Bowl as it did against the Saints, Grossman will probably be OK with that. Don't you think?

I can't believe I'm cheering for the Bears, but what the hey. This time around, there's no annoying "rap" song, which helps.

Golden boys, Golden Globes, and Idol thoughts

I just finished watching the American Idol premiere. If you like Curb Your Enthusiasm, Da Ali G Show, and to some degree, The Office, the first few episodes of Idol should be your cup of tea. Uncomfortable humor at its finest. I want to believe that most of these rubes are TRYING to suck ass, but deep down, I'm pretty sure they think they are the truth. Style points to the guy who dressed up like Apollo Creed, but the guy must have forgot that Creed died after coming to the ring dressed in that patriotic garb.

I am not going to watch beyond auditions; I've got too much other stuff to get caught up with (those first three episodes of Dirt on my DVR aren't going to watch themselves).

NFL Playoffs

Does anybody really want this AFC matchup? Wouldn't it have been nice to get some new blood in the title game? Ravens/Patriots and Chargers/Colts seem more attractive to me than this rerun. Ravens are the guys some of us UGs secretly cheer for when the Packers stink; Chargers are my wife's second favorite team behind the Pack. (In other words, when she pretends to like football, the Chargers are the second team she pretends to cheer for.)

Why the Chargers, you ask? Two reasons:

• We took our honeymoon in San Diego, and I convinced her that seeing the Chargers play the Broncos would be romantic. To get something out of it, she decided the Bolts would be her sentimental favorite ... even though she'd never know they were nicknamed the Bolts.
• Nate Kaeding plays for them. Hawkeyes!

But instead of something fresh, we're stuck with the same old storyline: the genius Patriots against big-game bumbler Peyton. Golden Boy Tom Brady against Golden Boy Peyton Manning. The question will be asked: is this finally the year Manning breaks through?

Of course not! I'm glad this game is on the Sinclair station that I don't get on my widescreen of joy anymore--I won't feel bad about missing it.

The sad thing about the Chargers loss is this: Marlon McCree makes a selfless play on fourth down (read: batting an errant pass to the ground, turnover on downs), the Chargers are waiting for the Colts to come to town this Sunday. Instead, he intercepts a pass that puts them at a disadvantage in field position, and allows do-everything Troy Brown to cause a turnover, keeping hope alive and leading to the tying score. From there, it was academic: the Patriots' reputation for genius combined with the Chargers' coach's penchant for postseason failure meant the scoreboard operator should have just posted an extra three points for New England and sent everyone home early.

It's uncanny how the Pats keep on keeping on. Look at the bums they had catching passes Sunday: Reche Caldwell and Jabar Gaffney. On paper, that looks like the 32nd best WR tandem in the league; 33rd if you let the Bengals double up (I'd probably take Chris Henry and the Bengals 4th WR over these two). Thus far in the playoffs, they've looked like Rice and Taylor. Ellis Hobbs is a key member of the secondary; I thought that statement would be true only at Iowa State. No Vinatieri, no problem: the rookie will make the game-winner.

I can't get excited about having to cheer for another NFC team I don't like to win the Super Bowl, just to cheer against the Patriots, who WILL be there again. Rooting for the Panthers and the Eagles was bad enough; it looks like I'm pinning my hopes of Patriots defeat to the Bears?! Ever the optimist, that's the way I see it: Bears over Patriots.

Not really; I'm guessing Patriots over Bears, but I wish I was wrong. I'm never wrong when I want to be wrong, though. At least Steve Grogan (and/or Tony Eason) will be avenged, 21 years later.

Golden Globes

Thoughts:

Babel better be good. The Departed is the best movie I've seen in a while; if the Globes derails its Best Picture dream, it better be for a good reason. I do want to see Babel before Oscar night; I can't say the rest of the awards have motivated me to hit the theaters. Just can't get pumped up about Dreamgirls, The Queen, Blood Diamond, etc.

The Lost guys (Lindelof and Cuse) have started talking about defining an end date for the series. There's talk that Season 4 will be treated a la 24: waiting until January and air the 20-some episodes straight through. It also sounds likely that Season 4 might be the end. This is all good news. Season 3's abbreviated start feels like they're killing time to figure things out; with a "deadline," they can advance the story, and perhaps more importantly, the fans will know that they have to advance the story in a somewhat timely fashion. Plus, four seasons' worth of intriguing story will stand up over time. Just don't ever kill Sawyer or Kate before the series finale, and me and the Lost guys will be cool.

Why am I talking about this? As one of two people not watching Grey's Anatomy (my wife being the other person), I was hoping Lost would pull off a miracle in best TV drama. Better chance of Hurley tapping Kate, I s'pose.

A couple of years ago, during my past life as a newspaper man, I wrote a column begging the Academy not to honor Martin Scorsese for The Aviator. I felt Eastwood's work on Million Dollar Baby was more deserving, and I felt that Scorsese still had one more magical film in him. Thankfully, Scorsese was not given the equivalent of a lifetime achievement award, as he was (rightfully) snubbed (as he was for Gangs of New York a few years before). The wait will be worth it: The Departed is the fuckin' truth. Although he should have won for GoodFellas, I'm thinking this year will finally and rightfully be Marty's party.

Sacha Baron Cohen's acceptance speech was fun; it's hard not to chuckle when someone deadpans the words "anus and testicles" with such a refined accent.

Kyra Sedgwick (whom I like) epitomized all that is wrong with most acceptance speeches: among those thanked was her lawyer. Nobody gives a shit!

No love for The Prestige????

Read all about it!

First up: We have our first arrest in the case of the boy who was harassed after getting his leg blown up by the high school's football cannon. (Still boggles the mind, doesn't it?) You would think it would be a high school kid who was making these menacing phone calls. And I can't rule out that a 41-year-old woman from Snohomish isn't a high school student, so who knows. But yes, Dana Lynne Snyder, 41, was charged with telephone harassment. For people who think "Friday Night Lights" is over the top, I give you exhibit A.

Cannon fodder at 41

And second: A woman enters a radio station contest called "Hold Your Wee for a Wii"—if that isn't self-explanatory, the contestants had to drink a lot of water, and whoever held out the longest took home the video game system. Not only did Jennifer Strange finish a disappointing second, she died later that day due to water intoxication.

Oops.

H2Oh No!

Tonight: reflections on NFL playoffs, Golden Globes, and a column I wrote two years ago that looks pretty smart right about now...

New (actually old) URL

Hey, the blog is moving directly to the old web site URL, so update your blog bookmark to www.uncoachablegangsters.com. I don't know how much longer the blogspot address will work, so don't delay.

Yes, this means the latest version of the old web site (the one with the Eazy-E mug shot) is gone. Disappointment is a part of life, folks.

South of 48 North Latitude? Y'all'z lazy (duh)

Here’s another annoying instance from the Sean Hannity show (which I heard about 4:45 CST Monday as I went by the KXIC AM 800 tower):

The topic of conversation apparently was the fallout from Katrina, the “feelings of entitlement” that the people of N’Awlins expressed, and so on. A woman calls in, and starts her phone call almost exactly like my mock Sean Hannity phone call from UG Podcast 003—she told Sean that he’s a great American not once but twice before getting to the “point” …

She started going on and on about the people of western Nebraska, who were the victims of something rather common in the Midwest: snow. She talked about how people were without power, but they took care of one another, didn’t ask for any government handouts, etc.

This would be heartwarming (maybe) if not for two factors: one, she was insinuating that the people hit by Katrina were all a bunch of bums looking for handouts; and two, her story was eerily similar to an e-mail forward I received about a month ago. Wanna read it?


North Dakota News Bulletin

This text is from a county emergency manager out in the western part of North Dakota state after the storm.

Amusing, if it were not so true...

WEATHER BULLETIN

Up here in the Northern Plains we just recovered from a Historic event—I even say a “Weather Event” of “Biblical Proportions”—with a historic blizzard of up to 44” inches of snow and winds to 50 MPH that broke trees in half, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed all roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10’s of thousands.

FYI:

George Bush did not come....
FEMA staged nothing....
Nobody—I mean nobody demanded the government do something.
Nobody expected the government to do anything, either.
No one even uttered an expletive on TV...
Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards...
No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House...
No one looted…
Phil Cantori of the Weather Channel did not come...
And Geraldo Rivera did not move in.

Nope, we just melted snow for water, sent out caravans to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars, fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Aladdin lamps, and put on an extra layer of clothes because up here it is ‘work or die.’ We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for ‘sittin at home’ checks.

Even though a Category “5” blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early...we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves.

“In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% of the worlds social problems evaporate.”


Uh-huh. Nothing like a white-out blizzard to metaphorically express your bigotry.

Of course, this e-mail is one that demands verification (or, as usual, the denouncement) of snopes.com; you can read the truth about the North Dakota snowstorm incident at this link. The heroism of North Dakotans depicted above miiiiiiiiiiiiiight be a tad bit, um, exaggerated. (I know, can you believe it?! An e-mail forward with questionable info?!)

So Sean, you say you’re all about the truth, yet you have no problem facilitating a discussion with an obvious geek-fan (hence the twice-stated “great American” praise) who uses a factually shaky e-mail tale to put down people who had their lives completely washed away.

A blizzard is one thing, and it’s a bitch of a thing—I whine like a little brat when the power goes out at my home during decent weather, so you can imagine how I’d handle a blizzard outage. (Assuming I was actually experiencing it, and not inserting myself into an e-mail folk tale.) But having a power-outage kit at home while waiting for snow to be cleared is one thing; having your life washed away is something entirely different. As the snopes.com author says in her signature, “One can shovel snow, but one cannot shovel water.”

I’m not saying the actions of the people of New Orleans were always right—I don’t believe the mayor down there always had his head screwed on straight, for example. And yes, I do feel the federal government ended up shouldering all of the blame, some of which should have landed closer to home.

But comparing a snowstorm—something that people “above the 48 N latitude” come to expect as the calendar shows November, December, January, etc.—to Katrina is way off-base, and a lazy approach to masking one’s bigotry. If indeed masking was the intent. Perhaps not.

********

Some post-script items:

I went to http://www.hannity.com/ to see if there was a transcript of Monday’s show (since I only caught that brief snippet, I was curious how the rest of the conversation went), and I see Sean has a poll about his new TV show, “Hannity’s America.” The question: Did you like the show? Here are your four answering options:

• Yes!
• It was different but good
• I didn’t get to watch it but will next week!
• OH NO! I missed it?
  

I’m thinking Sean will get some positive feedback on his new endeavor, don’t you? Even if answer #4 is dripping with sarcasm, and is intended to be the “your show sucks” option, I’m guessing most people who choose that option will be speaking from the heart, not the wit.

*******

I was trying to get the Jets-Patriots game on AM radio Sunday as I traveled up to a friend’s house to watch the game via DirecTV—I had no luck. I did, however, find the Glenn Beck show, where a caller made another incredible comparison: Brett Favre staying in the NFL the past couple of seasons is like Dick Clark trying to do “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” after his stroke.

Are you fuckin’ serious …

********

And finally: Although I’m bummed that Mediacom was unable to get those bastards at Sinclair to budge (or at least go to arbitration—cowards), I was reminded why (among many reasons) I won’t go back to DirecTV: the KGAN HD signal, which was coming through the satellite dish, was unwatchable. And it’s not like it was raining really hard or anything; there was a bit of wind and some wintry mix falling.

In addition to DirecTV being more expensive (for me, anyway), and that it’s Sinclair’s provider of choice, I don’t want to rely on calm weather 24-7, 365, in order for me to enjoy high-def programming on networks that have shows I enjoy (ABC, NBC, Fox, etc.). After all, I live in blizzard country—but at least my neighbors would brush off my satellite dish for me while we wait for the thaw. “Work or die,” right?

For my emergency CBS needs (whatever those would be), I have the set-top antenna from Mediacom—which they gave me along with 20% off my family cable for the next four months. March Madness? I can’t see this standoff lasting that long, but my antenna reception is good enough to watch the tourney if it comes to that. Iowa hoops? Like I care, but if I did, this night owl could wait until Mediacom Connections replays the games at 10.

And the Super Bowl? I’ll find a party. Maybe I could advertise my need for a Super Bowl viewing party on KGAN—the ad rates have to be dirt-cheap these days.