LeBron might have screwed up my NBA Finals boycott

I was all set to ignore the inevitable Pistons-Spurs snoozefest Finals, when a funny thing happened on the way to the exits ...

I turned on Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals once I noticed that this pivotal tilt was tied after three quarters. The score ran along the ticker underneath the Women's College World Series game I was watching, which I turned on after seeing the conclusion of the Scripps National Spelling Bee (which was A-W-E-S-O-M-E, even if the cool kid, Nate Gartke, at right, had to settle for second place).

So I caught most of LeBron's personal clinic. Rattling home jumpers, sinking crazy 3's, and owning the paint once he left the perimeter defense in his dust. His wrist had to be hurting by game's end, or at least colored a deep shade of orange, after slamming it against the rim while thundering the ball home so many times.

29 of the Cavs' last 30 points, scored by #23. And thanks to the last two, on a contortionist layup with 2.2 seconds to go, James might make the Finals worth watching ... if he doesn't die of exhaustion trying to close out the Pist-Offs on Saturday.

I'd watch LeBron try to re-create this against the watching-paint-dry-dull Spurs. Anything to inject a little life into a Spurs-participating Finals.

I wouldn't say LeBron's 48-point performance is league-saving; far from it, in fact. There is still plenty wrong with the Association at this point in time:

• The play more closely resembles Australian Rules Football than basketball.
• The officiating is maddening. The plays all look the same: one guy drives to the hoop, there's a big pileup, and yet only sometimes is there a foul called. It depends on which offensive player initiated the play or if the team on defense is at home or if the Spurs are playing ...
• It all still feels so ... scripted. The Pistons are going to let LeBron go one-on-one time after time? You don't throw three guys on him and dare Eric Snow or that dude who wears #3 (sorry, too lazy to look it up) to make a shot?
• Yet they can't even rig the draft lottery like they used to (Ewing to New York, Duncan to San Antonio) to get Greg Oden to the once-glorious Celtics?
• And there's that whole "robbing the Suns" thing that prevented me from watching more than 14 seconds of the Western Conference Finals.
  

Despite a performance from King James that Marv Albert felt was among "the best all-time performances in NBA history" (Redundancy? YES!), I caught myself flipping back to ESPN during the 4th quarter and the overtimes to see who was winning the pitching duel between the Arizona Wildcats and the Baylor Lady Bears ... and occasionally lingering too long to get back to the NBA game. No offense to the softballers, as I do enjoy watching you, but I would think the NBA would be embarrassed to know it was 3rd in the pecking order tonight behind college softball and preteen word jocks.

And although this isn't a league problem, I have to ask: does Drew Gooden not have a woman to tell him to take a blade to that fucked-up hair of his? Check out that snatch-patch on the back of his head, just under his headband. ????????????? (And you'll also notice the two guys are mugging each other; NFL quarterbacks don't get hit that hard anymore without penalty.)

**********

A little P.S. on the spelling bee: it might be easy to poke fun at some of these word jocks, but then you realize they're just kids ... unlike the uncoachable "vid jocks" (think Madden Nation) or, even worse in my book, the shit-talkin' "card jocks" who you'll find in poker games on ESPN. Some of the (objectively speaking) unhip word jocks have time to gain social status, either by discovering beer or at least visiting an orthodontist, while the vid and card jocks have arrived at their loserdom destination for life. But in all cases, the blame lies with the same people: the parents! Fo sho.

I hate "Pulling Out."

Once again gentleman it is time to roll the tongues up for another year. The Miss Universe pageant has come and gone.

Personally, I love watching women in their early twenties, who may or may not have eating disorders, periodically take the spotlight amongst sparkling objects, visible rib cages, and AC Slater’s toothy smile. Am I in heaven?

A good friend of mine watched the entire program. He told me Miss USA was “crowned” fourth runner up and little to my surprise, when I ogled her picture, she was a 10. A quick note about myself: I do not hand out “10’s.” Hotness, to me, is more like a bell shaped curve. So saying she was a “10” is meaningless. I should say Miss USA was in the 99th percentile of hotness, and she was joined by 14 other semifinalist also in the 99th percentile.

Here’s what I’m trying to get at: How do you pick a “Miss Universe” when every contestant is a GODDESS (and don't tell me its determined by the question/answer segment)? I’ll tell you how… Think outside the box. Pick a contestant standing for something. (Not you Japan, sit down.)

Miss UG.


http://bumpshack.com/2007/05/26/miss-sweden-drops-out-of-miss-universe-pageant/

Not only did she represent her country the way the public wanted, which was not at all, but she is able to juggle fire and charm snakes (probably not). Miss Sweeden pulled out of the pageant and the public got hosed, BIG TIME! I HATE pulling out.

Required Reading: 05/30/2007

Headline: Wendy's customer opens fire on Miami staff over condiments

• Quotable: "As soon as I realized I was shot, I started praying to God. I don't think he'd want me to die over some chili." —Renel Frage, the Wendy's manager
• Notable: A security guard was on duty at the time, but he was asleep during the ordeal. The sound of gunshots woke him up.

Headline: Robber wanted money ... and a date

• Quotable (secondhand): "Hey, baby, you're pretty fine. ... Can I get your number and go out sometime?" —the robber's accomplice
• Notable: She turned him down.
  

Required Reading: 05/18/2007

Headline: Family's Punching Bag Holds Smelly Surprise

• Subhed: Man Says Bag Filled with Underwear
• Quotable: "Bad, real bad." —Joe Heckel, about the smell
• Notable: A new, non-underwear-filled bag would be shipped to Heckel shortly

Headline: Oral Sex can Add to HPV Cancer Risk

• Quotable: "When you look at the cancers associated with HPV in men—including penile cancer, anal squamous cell carcinoma, oral cancers—it's very close to the number of cases of cervical cancer that occur in the U.S. in women every year. We need to adjust the public's perception...that only women are at risk." —Dr. Maura Gillison, Johns Hopkins researcher
• Is nothing sacred?
• I can't wait to see Time's next article, on the risk factors involved with pulling an Emeril

Headline: Family That Got Pot with Happy Meal Wants Apology

• Notable: This happened in my dad's hometown, Ottawa, Illinois
• Quotable: "Well, if it's so bad for you, why was it in my Happy Meal?" —the 8-year-old recipient of the Happy Meal
• Quotable: "Nothing is more important to me than the safety and well-being of my customers and employees." —Guy Bucciferro, owner/operator of the Ottawa McDonald's, whose food keeps the Grim Reaper in business (or at least makes for an entertaining Morgan Spurlock film)
• When I was in college, I always longed for McDonald's to start selling cigarettes, so I didn't have to make that extra stop at Hy-Vee or a convenience store. The Super-Sized meals could have included those Marlboro packs of 25, or perhaps the longer 100s. Thankfully I've quit the Marlboro and have practically stopped visiting the Golden Arches ....
  

Bo Knows Tecmo

If all you Tecmo fans out there haven't seen this YouTube delight, click the link below. It probably looks similar to the good ol' days in the dorms or at home with the fellas, schoolin' fools with the Tecmo weave. I've never ran out a whole quarter on one play, though. This makes me rethink my Top 19 Tecmo Bowl Players list from last year.

Here's the link, courtesy of UG correspondent Danny: Bo Knows Tecmo

FOUR, Spurs, and Other Sports Stuff

Brett Favre aka FOUR

Jimmy Johnson love slave Chris Mortensen has reported that FOUR will indeed attend minicamp this weekend instead of planning graduation banquets. Good. Leadership is needed.

Not that Brett doesn't have reason for his recent ventilation of frustration. Imagine you're a GM and you have the following offered to you:

You can have a potential game-breaker, a guy who has polished his resume with work on your field, for a second-day draft pick. Not only do you have cap room, but your franchise QB is willing to guarantee money for said game-breaker out of his own pocket. If you keep the draft pick, you will end up drafting an unknown OT (who is probably as explosive as any of the RBs on the roster).

As we all know, Ted Thompson passed up Randy Moss under those circumstances.

If Brett Favre was traded to the Ravens tonight, I'd buy a purple FOUR jersey tomorrow. I don't care if my ancestors at ACME Packing did put up the money to fund the Green Bay NFL franchise some eighty years ago, I'm bailing. Which is the outcome Ted Thompson seems to be going for.

People complain about an egomaniac holding the Pack hostage. Here's the thing: he doesn't wear #4. He doesn't wear a jersey; he signs guys to wear green jerseys.

What happened to 2006 Ted Thompson? The one who didn't whiff on a sure-fire guy in AJ Hawk. The one who maneuvered us to Greg Jennings plus picks. The one who snagged Colledge and Spitz late. The one who grabbed Abdul, who I hope to see blowin' guys up, PHN-style.

The one who in free agency made a splash (Charles Woodson) and addressed a need (Ryan Pickett).

Instead we get the 2007 version, TT2.0, who can still find some second-day value (Clowney in the 5th, the kicker in the 6th) but unfortunately finds second-day value on the first day of the draft as well. TT2.0 signs Frank Walker (you know, Frank Walker! Um, yeah, he played for, um, you know, well, he didn't start for anyone last year, um, um) and calls it a day in free agency.

Did you not have a contingency plan in case someone took Marshawn Lynch?

If you wanted spontaneity in such an event, how about pulling the trigger on the Cleveland trade, which would have traded us out of the hellhole #16 pick and landed us a decent first-day pick next year?

Justin Harrell? I rearranged the letters of his name, wondering if somehow, some way, they were an anagram of Greg Olsen. (Answer: nope.) James Jones? Brandon Jackson? If you're gonna take a flier on a guy, why not Michael Bush? If you're going to reach, at least do it with your eyes open .....

I've waited almost three weeks to vent about this, and it's all come loose, like the football in Ahman Green's sweaty arms. It took the understandable rant of the team's backbone to pry it out of me.

Tim Duncan (or the Nominees for Best Scripted Television Show are: WWE Monday Night Raw; Survivor; and the NBA Playoffs)

Tim Duncan should not be playing tonight.

But since this is the NBA, a league I've grown to loathe since Jordan's first retirement, he won't be prohibited from stealing this series away from the Suns in Phoenix in Game 5.

Stoudamire and Diaw leave the bench during an altercation. Agreed, Horry jacking the pride of Santa Clara into the press table/rotating advertisement area is an altercation. Nash's teammates could no more restrain themselves from getting to their feet than Steve Bartman could prevent his mitts from grabbing at a rapidly approaching baseball. Or better yet, no more than Tim Duncan could stay seated when Elson gets tangled with James Jones (not the new Packers WR). Two players tangled up--in other words, an altercation. And Duncan is out on the floor, despite being out of the game.

Not only does this rule suck, as it ruined the 1997 playoffs for my Knicks, but now it's not enforced against the crybaby king of the bank shot. Don't tell me that Joey Crawford has inadvertently swung the entire season to the Spurs ....

I can only hope that Nash, Marion, Barbosa, and UG Raja Bell have 48 minutes in them tonight. I can only hope that Big Shot Bob doesn't end up going down as a martyr.

And imagine if I actually cared?

Quickly ...

• Braylon Edwards started a scholarship fund for kids in Cleveland. This should be at the top of my posting. Seems like a good thing, and it holds these kids accountable.
• Tom Walsh has called Randy Moss out in the press. Must have found time to talk to reporters between changing the sheets and scrambling the eggs.
• I'm starting to lean toward Floyd Landis' side of the story. Anything to oppose Dick Pound.
  

Required Reading: 05/04/2007

Headline: Fender-bender at Mickey-D’s leads to fatal wreck

• Notable: Mr. Diehl told police he took five prescription drugs, including morphine sulfate, within the 24 hours leading up to the crash.

Headline: Owner lay dead while pair toured her home

• Quotable (my favorite in quite some time): "I've smelled death. I know what death smells like. I can't believe my sinuses were that bad." —Linda Chabucos-Galow, Realtor who held the showing