Good Night Sweet Prince of the Trailer Park

*Ahem*



He was strong He was mighty

Throwing and batting righty

Rod Beck painted the corners



Beer belly and hair

a strategic glare

Rod Beck painted the corners.



Never afraid to clash

a fu manchu mustache

Rod Beck painted the corners.



For the love of the Game

Never dwelling on fame

Rod Beck painted the corners



The old-school train of thought

Nicknamed "Shooter" taught

The art of painting the corners



Countless cans of Beer

286 saves, career

Rod Beck painted the corners



Let me lament to the sky

"Why God? Why?

Can Rod Beck paint the corners, nevermore?"





Forgive the shitty sarcastic poetry. Putting aside my general discontent for the Chicago Cubs, I liked Rod Beck. He brought a certain flavor to the game one doesn't see anymore. While reading up on Beck I get the impression the world lost a good manwho was unfortunately consumed by his demons, and my condolences go out to his family.

Uncoachable Gangster(s) of the Day: 6/26/2007 (with a P.S. on Benoit and Cutts)

Sure, we could lead with Bobby Cutts Jr., or Chris Benoit, but let's go with this crew:

Preston Valdez, Kibbol Avila, Jackie Getz, and James Standridge
(clockwise from upper left)

• This crew is in trouble with the law, as they are charged in an incident where a woman was kidnapped, had her head shaved, and was branded (literally) with the word "snitch" on her face.
• Notable: The woman's brand had scabbed over, and the word was clearly legible.

*************

And about Chris Benoit ...

"You always rooted for him, because he was a good guy and he overcame the odds. It's like if you watched 'Rocky,' and in the end it comes out that Rocky killed his wife and his son." --Dave Meltzer, editor of the Wrestling Observer, a weekly newsletter

And this:

"Probably going to hell for this, but I wonder if he used the 'Crippler Crossface' to tap them all out. He was probably so hopped up on stuff that he didn't know what he was doing." --anonymous (he can write in and take credit if he wants)

And then this, per SI.com:

The WWE issued a news release Tuesday evening saying steroids "were not and could not be related to the cause of death."

I'm not sure which of these three statements is the funniest.

One paragraph of seriousness: That poor kid. Seven years old. Suffocated by his juiced-up dad. The boy's arms had needle marks from growth hormone injections--undersized he was, in the mind of his pro wrestling parents, according to the DA.

Not exactly the Hulk Hogan "training-prayers-vitamins" way of thinking in the Benoit house. Poor kid.

*************

The "complex personal life" of Bobby Cutts Jr. story is now being told (click here to read the story), and in it you will find a name that is synonymous with the initials "U.G.":

Shawn Kemp.

Seems one of Cutts' previous run-ins with the law involved him busting into the apartment of the mother of his first child, while she was inside with the man who could put it in the hole (at least seven kids with six women, Kemp showed he could finish).

As dastardly as these recent charges are (and again, a child is a victim, both the unborn and the essentially orphaned), you almost have to excuse Cutts for this 1998 disorderly conduct charge. It was Shawn-frickin'-Kemp! That guy could get dudes pregnant--you wanted him nowhere near your woman.

Required Reading: 6/26/2007

While we wait for Matt T. to write Rod Beck's eulogy, we can read this ...

Headline: Lap Dancing on Golf Course Angers Neighbors

• OK, as you'll see if you click on the headline, there's video that accompanies this. Nothing outlandish, but perhaps not safe to watch at work.
• From the article: The private golf outing featured lap dance stations, threesomes, and naked women. (Editor's note: Threesomes? Most courses mandate foursomes, so I'm not sure what's the big deal.)
• Quotable: "I'll kick your ass. ... I'll break your neck." --alleged quote from a golf course employee to a guy trying to access the road near the course
• Notable: Four officers responded to the call. (I'd have guessed at least eight would respond to this call.)
• Potential headlines: "Record number of 'holes in one' "; "Forget the irons, these golfers swing wood"; "Straightening out their game"; "These strippers just aren't up to par"

Required Reading: 6/19/2007

Headline: Man strangles rabid bobcat

• Not sure I can say anything that this picture doesn't already say.
• Quotable: "If that cat had attacked a child, it would've been really bad. It wouldn't have quit." -Dale Rippy, the badass who killed the bobcat

Fall Collection, indifference beat Tool

What were the UGs doing last night?

• Fall Collection show in Iowa City: 2
• Not attending live music concerts: 2
• Tool show in Cedar Rapids: 1

Tool got pwned.

I Lost it.

I will freely admit it. I am a bit late on this entry, so to whom it may concern, my sincerest apologies.
Who saw the tribute to Clifford Ray on Sports Center this week? I did.
(Sorry, I couldn't find the link.)

Clifford Ray: Chicago Bull, Golden State Warrior, Animal Lover, and Amateur Surgeon? For those of you who missed it I'll touch on the main points of the story. For those of you who caught the story tell me if I miss any details.

In 1978, Clifford Ray was called upon to preform an emergency surgery in which the veterinarians needed an arm 9 in. longer than average. What was the task he was to preform? He was asked to retrieve a screw from the belly of bottle nosed dolphin named Mr. Spock. The veterinarians feared the screw would puncture a hole in its intestines and kill it.

Ray's arm was dunked in a vat of lube and he shoved his arm down the beast's (not to be confused with my bro-in-law's good buddy Beast) throat. For my own perverse reasons I would like to note the piece mentioned nothing of a gag reflex. While exploring the fish's digestive tract Ray was encouraged to blow through the fish's 1st stomach and explore the second or, as I like to refer to it, the deuce. In the deuce he found the contraband and pulled it out. Needless to say 30 years later Clifford instantly became a hero to the faithful Sports Center viewers who are fed this ilk of "feel good" story weekly.

And who do we have to thank for this story? Jeremy Schaap. I haven't a modicum of love for Jeremy so when I saw this train wreck of a story, it was like Christmas in June.

Maybe its my imagination but I have this picture, in my head, of Jeremy's office and low and behold it is FILLED with posters of dolphins (tell me you don't have the same picture dancing around in your head). While dwelling upon that still image, and smiling, I came to a realization: This piece was given to Jeremy so the masses at ESPN could laugh quietly around the water cooler when Schaap strolls by.

At the end of the piece Schaap notes the screw, retrieved from the dolphin's deuce, was mounted on a plaque and presented to Ray as a gift. Ray LOST the plaque. After that was revealed I lost "it". I think this little piece of human history was meant to have the same fate as the plaque, lost forever.

This segment was obviously put together recently, and in Jeremy's defense it is the slow season in sports but what about Clifford Ray? He will forever be remembered as the dolphin penetrating former NBA player.

I have one last question for Ray pertaining to this story: Clifford Ray, were you insulted when Jeremy Schapp showed up to the interview, on a ten speed bike, carrying a box of Crayons and a "Flipper" coloring book?

I imagine Ray's comment would go something like this: "Get lost."
Hey Schaap! You are truly uncoachable.

Follow-up on Trudeau (full of fantasy football tips)

Jack Trudeau, Uncoachable Gangster of June 4, 2007, has pleaded innocent to a felony charge of obstruction of justice, according to an Associated Press report.

The AP quoted Trudeau as saying, "Contrary to characterizations of the events, we were not hosting an underage drinking party. We were cooperative and helpful in every matter."

The wire service went on to reference a police report that mentioned the confiscation of the following from a loud party at his home, where police arrested Trudeau and 13 teens:

• 97 unopened cans of beer
• 30 empty cans of beer
• an empty half-gallon vodka bottle
• an empty champagne bottle

I'm not shaken by the thought of alcohol at a party around graduation time—I'm from northeast Iowa, I'm not sure there's such a thing as an alcohol-free party. The only reason I'm posting this is to share the advertisement text that Yahoo! placed underneath the article:


Who needs to subscribe to Fanball Owner's Edge, when you can find this for free?

Required Reading: 6/7/2007

Headline: Animal Cruelty Case Yields Doggone Dismissal

• Notable: Jayna Hutchinson, now of Lebanon, N.H., was scheduled for a jury trial on a misdemeanor charge of cruelty to animals for "staring" at a police dog in a "taunting/harassing manner."
• Quotable: "Prosecuting a woman for staring at a police dog is absurd." —Kelly Green, public defender
• Banner ad alert: When I read this story, there was an ad for a Steve Miller concert. Thought it should be noted.

Simmons: Still great. Cowherd: Still an ass

My reading habits of one Bill Simmons (right) fell off the map a long time ago, mainly because I hate the Red Sox, I hate the Patriots, and I am not the biggest NBA fan in the world. So he throws me the verbal equivalent of chin music every time I step in the box. But I still respect the guy's knowledge along with his humor.

This is just another way that I differ from Colin Cowherd.

Click on the headline below to read something from "Ghosts of Wayne Fontes" on the Simmons/Cocksmooch, er, Simmons/Cowherd spat. Go get 'em, Sports Guy!

A Feud Brewing Between Two of ESPN's Finest

Obviously, Cowherd never stumbled upon our old Keeper League fantasy football web site, where he would have seen this:

Required Reading: 6/6/2007

Headline: Real Stiff Drink

• Subhead: Man sues shake maker for 3-day ordeal
• Notable: Christopher Woods said that drinking cans of Boost Plus Nutritional Energy Drink left him with an erection that lasted three days.
• Quotable: "It was awful. It was painful. I would always wear jeans, but it was hard to go out, so I had to buy some sweatpants." —Woods (name is fitting)
• Tough choice: Woods could undergo either an embolization, where blood is blocked from going to the arteries, or an amputation. (Notable: He chose the former.)

Headline: Chinese eatery ends offensive advertising

• Mike Reynolds, owner of Eggrolls Etc., apologized for using the word "Chinamen" in his ads, saying he was initially unaware that it was widely considered a derogatory term.
• The troubling text? (Which can be found in this article): "Every order is delivered via rickshaw by first generation Chinese immigrants … We really should charge more for delivery, old Chinamen are getting expensive these days."
• Notable: Another of Reynolds' restaurants, Canal Street Pizzaria, includes "Mussolini's Pizza Fingers" on the menu.