Big Ten Network buzz

I don't feel I should comment on the Big Ten Network, but I thought it would be interesting to compile quotes from the media outlets in the Big Ten schools' area. By the way, for reference, Fox is a co-owner of the Big Ten Network.

"It was never our desire for negotiations to become public. We have always wanted to sit down behind closed doors and hammer out a deal. Unfortunately, it hasn't played out that way." —Marc Silverman, Big Ten Network President, from the Grand Rapids (Mich.) Press

[I'd hate for the president of a network representing 10 public universities, along with Northwestern, to be public about this. Oops, that's commentary. Back to attribution.]

"I would love to jettison Lifetime, Oxygen, etc., to a special women’s tier and not have to pay for them anymore. You could do the same with a men’s tier of Spike TV, Vs., etc. Letting subscribers have more of a choice cannot be a bad thing." —Ryan Masse, opinion columnist, Badger Herald (Univ. of Wisconsin)

"The bottom line for us is that you can't find 70 channels more important than the Big Ten Network in Iowa." —Mike Vest, media relations director, Big Ten Network, Iowa City Press-Citizen

“For the first time, fans will be missing programming and missing games. I think that may help bring us together with Comcast to negotiate. ... I think the level of angst is high (for fans). We know fans are upset and they want to see this programming.” —BTN President Silverman, Detroit Free Press

"Virtually nothing. Consumers are tired of getting expensive channels they don’t want to watch." —David Cohen, executive vice president, Comcast Corp., Detroit Free Press (the "virtually nothing" was in response to a question about viewer interest)

"I'm just disgusted with the whole thing. Everything was just fine with the local stations and ESPN airing our beloved Buckeyes. Why on earth do we need the Big Ten Network?" —an Ohio State fan's e-mail to the Columbus Dispatch

"That's why I side with Comcast. Customers who want the channel will buy the channel at probably whatever cost. The Big Ten Network, though, is trying to win the lottery when it should be asking for donations." —Tyler Wilson, assistant sports editor, The Exponent (Purdue student paper)

And the final word, for now, is this bit from Broadcast Newsroom, about how Iowa State has entered the fray, in Mediacom's mind:

"Fox is utilizing deplorable anti-competitive tactics by depriving Iowa State students, alumni and fans their football season opener on cable television. Given that Iowa State is not a member of the Big Ten Conference, Cyclone fans should not be used as pawns in the Big Ten Network negotiations. We believe that Mediacom customers, particularly Cyclone supporters, will be outraged once they become aware that they are being held hostage to the unilateral demands of Fox." —Ed Pardini, senior V.P., Mediacom North Central Division

Vick's replacement no dog in eyes of gay fans

Sorry, guys, he's taken.

This story ran in the Detroit Free Press, whose staff obviously love the Lions' former first-round bust so much that they continue to write stories about Joey Harrington, even though he's now two teams separated from his Detroit tenure. Apparently the gay gridiron gang is fired up about Harrington taking the reins in Hotlanta.

Gay fans back Joey Harrington in Atlanta

(Note to the headline writer: Why not go the full nine, and say the gay fans are "getting behind" Harrington?)

U.G. = Uncoachable Genius

"That was the ultimate in-your-face. I think it was ingenious." — Jordan Moore, Davidson junior

At my school, there were pranksters. We'd mouth words at the shop teacher with the hearing aid, and after he turned up his Beltone, we'd pump up the volume of our voices (and, naturally, hilarity ensued).

Some of the rubes in our school once snuck a greased pig into the building, resulting in the superintendent rolling up his sleeves in an attempt to corral the porker.

But no one came up with something as awesome as this stunt. Kyle Garcher should get honors credit for pulling this off, not a suspension. Watch the video below, then if you want to read more about the incident, click here.

The next Coachella reunion? (Holy fuckin' shit)

MBV ... the best band not named The Cure, Interpol, or the Beatles.

Please let this rumor be true — not because I think I have the money, time, or freedom to go to Coachella next year, but because maybe Kevin Shields and company would finally try their hand at another recording.

My Bloody Valentine to reunite for Coachella?

The U.G.: Not above piling on

Regarding Miss Teen South Carolina's superb response to Aimee Teegarden's query about finding the United States on a map: Nobody's talking about the cool demeanor of Mario Lopez. So we thought we'd post this video to show how A.C. Slater handled the squeemish moment. No other reason to show this video. I just hope the U.S. Americans in South Africa and the Iraq can find a way to watch this.

Colorado's a cutthroat school

Nothing quite says "Welcome Back!" like a freshman getting throat slashed by a crazy one-time food slopper. From the Colorado Daily, the University of Colorado at Boulder's paper:


If you want to read the story, click here.

If you click on the photo above, you'll get a larger view, where you'll also see the headline in the right rail that reads, "Would you pay for a penis bone?" Well, would you? Leave your response in the comments section. Think of it as research.

UG correspondents: God love 'em

It's hard work linking to other people's writing. I can't do it alone. Fortunately, two faithful UG readers have pointed me in the direction of some required reading, which, in turn, I will share with the uncoachable masses.


First, UG correspondent Steph pointed out the following article about the multimillion-dollar swingers business:

Swingers are growth business for U.S. firms

• First off, is my mind in the gutter, or are there ulterior motives to using "growth" and "firm" in a headline about sexual activity?
• Second, you'll notice the ironically named subject in the first paragraph: Matt Virtue.

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UG corresopndent Tim noticed that Spree must be having trouble feeding his family when his "Milwaukee's Best" gets repo'd.

U.S. marshal seizes Sprewell's $1.5M yacht

• Come on, Spree. You float $1.5M into a water vessel, and you name it after a college freshman's beer of choice? Was the S.S. Meister Brau already floating in the harbor?
• Remember when Spree turned down $21M for three years of hoops, saying he needed to "feed his family." Yeah, that's an oops right there.

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If you've got 10 minutes to kill, check out the pride of Kiln. Thanks to UG devotee Danny for sending this along ....

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This last story, also from Steph, is old by now, but I've been holding it waiting for a picture to surface. No such luck. So imagine an unconscious woman having phony boar tusks inserted into her mouth by a prankster dentist, then the dentist snapping photos of her with the tantalizing teeth, then taking them out and performing the actual dental procedure. And as you'll see, this isn't even the absurd part of the story.

Dentist wins case over fake boar tusk implants

That's right, more legal fun. The dentist was sued over the deal; he settled on $250,000 payment to the temporarily tusked tart. Then he sued his insurers, who had refused to cover the claim prompted by the practical joke.

The dentist won, and was awarded $750,000 on top of the $250,000 out-of-court settlement.

I'm in the wrong line of work.

To Tiki, Archie, and the C.R. "baseball fan"

"He didn't feel like his voice was going to be strong enough and it showed. Sometimes it was almost comical the way that he would say things." Tiki Barber, talking about Eli Manning giving a talk to his offense during Week 12 last season.

Let's see, Tiki, that must have been about two weeks after you revealed that you were cashing in your chips, eventually to play Katie Couric. That's leadership? Or the way you threw your coach under the bus a couple of times? That's "strong enough"? I have a question: Can anyone confirm that it wasn't Ronde rushing for all those yards wearing #21 for the New York Football Giants? Did Tiki and Ronde ever have good games on the same day? I smell conspiracy. Not that I'm a big Eli guy ...

"Eli's not a controversial guy and he's not going to be." Archie Manning, father of Eli Manning.

If you block out Draft Day 2004, not to mention all those times when Eli let his sourpuss hang down past his knees, dear ol' Dad might have a point here. And who wants to bet that Archie called the press, not the other way around?

And a special Nice Big Cup for the woman who parked her car next to a Cedar Rapids ball diamond where a game was being played, and then went crazy when her windshield (or window, not sure) got smashed by a foul ball. She hounded everyone in attendance to find out WHO HIT THE FOUL BALL, then fingered the guy once the COPS SHE'D SUMMONED arrived at the scene. Drink up, honey. Then this winter, go attend a RoughRiders game, and never mind that puck flying over the boards at your dome ...

Ted Leo + Clarkson + YYY = Fuck Yeah

This isn't anything new (it's a couple of years old, in fact), but I really felt like hearing this song today and thought you might too. So here you go: Ted Leo covering Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone," with a little interlude of Yeah Yeah Yeahs' "Maps" thrown in for good measure. Enjoy.

Pigskin ponderings

Checking in on the Michael Vick story this afternoon, I found one of those uncomfortable juxtapositions between the news article on CNN.com and the accompanying advertisement. This time, the ad box embedded within the article was for ... PetMeds. Little too late for that in this case, doncha think? If only I had done a screen capture ...

If you're as old as me, you probably remember Jon Bon Jovi sporting the Phil Simms jersey during the Slippery When Wet touring days. I remember seeing such a picture in either Hit Parader or Circus or one of the other totally awesome magazines I read when I was 12 and 13. The Jersey boy always raved about the New York Football Giants. Of course, at that point in time, they were good. Like, really good. Like winning Super Bowl XXI against Elway and the Broncos good. However, in the current era, when the Giants are merely average and Philly Simms has been replaced by Hangdog Manning, it appears Jon is no longer singing "I'll Be There For You" to the G-Men.

As you can see, Bon Jovi has hitched his wagon to a current powerhouse team, the New England Patriots. He spent the day hanging out with Bill Belichick — his "good friend," as the article calls him — at Patriots camp. (Yes, I realize Belichick was a Giants coach way back when. But I'm guessing Bon Jovi was a Giants fan for reasons other than Bill Belichick.) For the love of Joe Morris, outside of being a complete bandwagon jumper, why would Bon Jovi do this?

• Too many Eli interceptions/incompletions, with pouty reactions?
• Confused by the Giants (and the Jets) playing in Jersey yet claiming NY affiliation?
• Weirded out when he discovered former Giants wideout Stacy Robinson was a guy?
• Sees no reason to cheer since the retirement of the heart and soul of the team, Gary Reasons?

Whatever the reason, when Jeremy Shockey finds out about this, Bon Jovi will be wanted ............... (wait for it) ...................

Dead or alive. (Nice.)

In better news, the Packers are finally cutting ties with Robert Ferguson. It isn't good when most GB fans feel the highlight of his stint in green and gold was the time that Donovin Darius pretty much killed him. We gave this bum a big-time extension in 2004, yet we let Javon Walker, um, walk, more or less.

Headline: Trent Green booed in Kansas City. News flash: These idiots booed Joe Montana and Marcus Allen when they still wore the Chiefs colors. The only bit of news involving Trent Green is that somehow he can still walk upright after taking that nasty shot in last year's opener against the Bengals.

Might as well come full circle: I watched HBO's Real Sports this week, which had a feature on dogfighting (and a good piece on Javon Walker coping with the slaying of Darrent Williams). Fucking gruesome. And yet "my boy" Tony Kornheiser (I do like him very much) said something very interesting Wednesday on PTI. He said that the NBA referee who was in cahoots with gamblers, his actions are worse than dogfighting. How is that? I've always maintained that the NBA is the closest thing to professional wrestling in terms of scripted outcomes. Therefore, I'm not buying that misdeeds by this ref really went as far out of bounds as the absolute atrocity that is animal cruelty for the sake of wagering and so-called sport. As Jules Winnfield might say, "It ain't the same ballpark; it ain't even the same fuckin' sport." Amen, brother.

'Tis but a scratch!

Apparently "the Black Knight" has a relative over in Japan who's into motorcycling in addition to ignoring the loss of limbs. Here's the story from the Reuters wire service:

Japanese biker fails to notice missing leg

This is like the guy who made the news awhile back for severing his finger on a stool at a strip club yet waited 15 minutes to get medical attention, but in an absent-minded and more life-altering way.

Can you imagine the conversation when the biker's friend caught up to him, mangled leg tucked away in the crook of his arm, or perhaps in one of those leather bags on his ride?

Friend: Your leg's off!

Biker: No it isn't.

Friend (gesturing to severed leg in his sidecar): Well, what's that, then?

Biker: I've had worse.

Friend: You liar!

Biker: Come on, ya pansy!

For Woody Austin, PGA runner-up

"It just happens that he scored better. He took advantage; I didn't. Does that mean he played better than me or he is better than me? I don't accept that." Woody Austin, as quoted in The Independent

To answer your question, Woody: Yes he did, and yes he is. Accept it.

Karaoke guy gets played over Coldplay

You heard the lady: no more @#$%^#@ Coldplay!

Let's hope this becomes a sweeping epidemic across the land; I'm only surprised that this didn't happen at the Dude Ranch while Beast was tending bar ....

Karaoke singer attacked after starting (Coldplay) song

• A man starts singing a Coldplay song during karaoke. Yep, sounds like my description of hell. I will never understand the popularity of some bands: Coldplay; recent U2; Linkin Park; etc. Anyway, apparently a Seattle-area woman (described as "a little hippie chick" by a bar employee in the article) agrees with me, and decided to pummel the Chris Martin-wannabe.
• Notable: After yelling "Oh no! Not that song! I can't stand that song!" her distaste for Coldplay quickly took a violent turn, and she leaped at the would-be crooner, shouting expletives and telling him that his singing "sucked," while expressing the same opinion of the song, according to a Seattle police report.
• All this for a mad girl with good music taste?: Once police were contacted, the response was fast and overwhelming, with both patrol officers and Gang Unit detectives converging on the normally tame neighborhood bar.
• What a lightweight: According to the night bartender's notes, she had just one drink: a single shot of Jägermeister.
• Quotable: "She was just crazy." Robert Willmette, bartender
  

Look out, rubes!

When monster trucks attack:



More video can be found here.

Panhandling pisses me off

Headline: Panhandler shot to death; woman charged with murder after being asked for 25 cents

• A 62-year-old Cincinnati woman, Geraldine Beasley (shown at right), is the triggerwoman who was offended by the request for two bits.
• Quotable: "That's apparently all there was to it." —Police Chief Tom Streicher
• Notable: Beasley's attorney, Mass Ionna, told Hamilton County Municipal Court Judge Fanon Rucker that his client has mental issues. (Oh yeah?)

Despite that last parenthetical crack, I actually understand her frustration—not her course of action, but I can sympathize. I deal with panhandlers on a regular basis—some passive, some not so much—and there has been a time or two when I've just wanted to make them disappear.

Once I was going in the post office, and a transient followed me in there. He alternated insults with apologies as I waited in line (it was around the holidays, so the line was ginormous), all the while showering me with spittle and gassing me with booze breath at 10 in the morning. He pulled out a couple of crumpled bills to show me he didn't need my money, then proceeded to ask me for money 30 seconds later. All I wanted to do was send a fucking Christmas card to my loved ones. That's it. Jesus.

So I finally get up to the counter to buy my stamps, a transaction that took all of 15 seconds. I look over, and notice the transient is at the other register, keeping an eye on me, ignoring the postal worker across the counter who's politely asking if she can help him with something. When he sees me leave, he bolts after me. I try my best to keep going, but again with the money request. I finally tell him that if he wants money from someone, he shouldn't precede the request with insults. I go outside, and walk away. I think I'm in the clear, until I hear a tirade of profanity streaming behind me. It starts to fade after a few steps, and I finally glance back to see him make a U-turn to accost some poor woman. Fucking prick.

It's not that I'm cold-hearted. Earlier this summer, on one of those scorching days, I encountered a guy in a parking lot with a sign saying he was trying to get down south, and do I have any water I can spare? It was really burning that day, and he looked like what money he had he spent on things that I can appreciate—he wasn't haggard, he wasn't drunk, he wasn't smoking, etc. Mind you, I have nothing against those vices—I smoked for years myself, but the key difference is I had the money to do so while not neglecting rent, food, soap, etc. So I went to a convenience store, grabbed a big bottle of generic-label water for $1, turned around, and delivered the thirst quencher to much appreciation.

This is not the breed I encounter most days. So I adapt. I've found that wearing sunglasses and my iPod is one way to avoid hearing the pleas (more like demands) or initiating eye contact, but sometimes I worry I'm going to get jacked for my music device.

I showed up for work a few weeks ago to find yellow tape going up not far from my building. A stabbing, I was told. One of the transients stabbed someone near one of the popular coffee houses after an argument. Meanwhile, any time I see a cop in the neighborhood, he's usually hassling the skate kids who are kicking it on the mall. (To loosely quote one officer's scolding of some kids: "I know that you know that I know who you are. Right? Right? I know who you are, you know who I am, I know who you are." Sounds like Travis Bickle.) Hey officer! Those are the ones who ignore us! Leave 'em be! Go do something about the smell in the public library, near the DVD shelves, created by other street inhabitants.

Many outraged (outraged!) people keep going back to the fact that the dead panhandler in this case was only asking for a quarter. But when you are under a constant barrage for money handouts, those quarters add up in a hurry.

I guess the next time I'm belligerently badgered for a quarter, I'll cough it up, with the following advice: "Call someone who cares."

Those confounded confections!

If this uncoachable dame keeps this up, she'll have to change her last name from Delgado to Gordo. (Or Gorda, to be gender accurate.)

This is just another typical "call the police about a sexual assault, only to get busted for stealing bricks upon bricks of fudge" cautionary tale. (Click here to read the story, which includes a photo of "La Gorda" Delgado.)

That is the case with Catherine Delgado. She stole the sweet stuff, including more than 10 pounds of Rocky Road fudge. Police happened upon this case when they were called to investigate a sex assault, although Delgado decided not to say anything about that upon the cops' arrival. The sly sleuths discovered the fudge (it was spilling out of her purse and traces were smeared all over her shirt and arms), and despite La Gorda's sensible effort to hide the evidence—she tried to flush it down the john, predictably resulting in a plugged potty—she was collared for the crime.

What would prompt such a nutty crime? As Annapolis cop Hal Dalton said in the article, "Maybe she was just looking to get something to eat. Maybe (the fudge) was still warm that night, I'm not even sure."

Thankfully, the fudge fan with the sticky fingers is being held on $100,000 bond.

Today's new word is ...

I learned a new word today. It was used in the comments section of the story about the woman who had just given birth to her 17th kid (in 20 years) and was already looking forward to having more. The word?

Snatchlasticity

How was it used in a sentence? To quote the commenter, who goes by the amusing handle "Howie Feltersnatch":

"Talk about throwing a hot dog down a hallway, can that woman have any snatchlasticity left? If this guy wants to step out with something tighter, he could probably go boink a coffee can."

Can we expect the Scripps Spelling Bee to include this in its list of words next year?

I remember when this guy ruled

Yep, I used to say with pride, "I was into the Pumpkins ever since Gish." I once thought that "Corgan" would make a good middle name for my firstborn. Now, it's to the point where I wasn't quite sure if the following article from The Stranger: Seattle's Only Newspaper was bullshit, despite the disclaimer at the end. If you've ever read Billy's web rants, it's seriously hard to tell.

If nothing else, I wish Billy would regrow his hair. He's giving us shaved head dudes a bad name.

An Open Letter from Billy Corgan

P.S.: Matt T.'s favorite baseball team lost on his birthday. To the Pirates! Ha ha.