From the Onion News Network ...

Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again

Girardi it is

Here's what I said on this very blog after the Tigers deposited the 2006 Yankees on their collective ass in the Wild Card round:

"The Yankees should hire Joe Girardi. And we (couldn't go 100 words without reverting to "we" when discussing the Yankees) should bring in guys like Girardi to play on this team: the Paul O'Neills, the Scott Brosiuses, the Tino Martinezes ... in other words, guys you wouldn't have to hide in the 8-hole while making $25 million."

Well, it's a year later and another first-round defeat in the books, but Girardi is here to take the reins. You'd think I'd have a pinstriped erection right now, but between 2006 and the present, the Yankees moved my childhood Yankee idol, Donnie Baseball, into the seat of bench coach, and when it became apparent that Torre finally was going to part ways, all of a sudden, I wanted Mattingly as the man in charge.

No dice, Chino. Hank and Hal Steinbrenner decide what's best for the Pinstripes, and Girardi it is.

So who will Girardi put on his lineup card each day? As I said last year, we need to get more guys who played like Girardi (and O'Neill and Brosius and Tino) on this roster. Now that A-Rod is gone, there is money to sign multiple contributors. Or maybe we gear up for a Johan Santana move. Or throw a good chunk at Mike Lowell and hope he pulls a Judas Damon. And get Posada back in there--he's long been one of my favorites and he's still hitting. Look past the beak, he's solid with the stick.

I hope Pettitte uses his player option. If nothing else, it sounds like he'll retire or play for the Yankees--no other alternative. And I hope Rivera can be brought back; not only is he still an elite closer, but also the Yankees have to be saving money on the catering bill with him around. That guy makes the aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind consider bulimia to compete with Rivera's streamlined build.

But Girardi has a decent core to work with, regardless of the aforementioned drama. Jeter. Cano. Melky Cabrera. Phil Hughes. Joba. Ian Kennedy. Abreu. Matsui. Add Pettitte, Posada, Rivera, and a free agent 3B, and pitching, pitching, pitching (doesn't have to be starting, just some decent bridge arms), and I'm optimistic.

Last Cup of Joe (Torre)

And let's not forget the departed, Joe Torre, who appeared on Letterman last night and was the anti-Schilling (read: classy). He spoke highly of Girardi and even said decent things about Steinbrenner. Of course, at that point, he probably was smelling the green allegedly being thrown at him by the Dodger Blue, so I'm sure that dulled any pain.

Donnie Baseball's Poor Timing Continues

I feel for Mattingly: bad back forced him out of the game before his time; he came up to the bigs in 1982, one year after the team was in the Series against the L.A. Dodgers, and last played in 1995, the year before the dynastic run from 1996-2000; and he was publicly reprimanded by The Boss for having a then en vogue mullet. It was a good look at the time.

Now it appears my favorite Yankee from my baseball card collecting days might be trying on Dodger Blue. Funny seeing as his Monument Park plaque reads, "A humble man of grace and dignity, a captain who led by example, proud of the pinstripe tradition and dedicated to the pursuit of excellence, a Yankee forever."

A-Rod, from the makers of Summer's Eve

The guy is a douche. My favorite team, always hungry for headlines, at least waited until the Series was officially over before naming Girardi their guy. A-Rod, whose streak of World Series non-participation is a dozen seasons and counting, made sure to piss off fans of both his most recent team AND their arch-rivals by announcing his opt out as Game Four raged on.

Who would have thought I'd find someone lower than Curt Schilling and Jonathan Papelbon (whose Richard Simmons-esque, four-inning warmup routine is grandstanding that Mr. Schilling must admire) on the classless list? Girardi would've cleaned A-Rod's clock and stolen his mistress by mid-May had he stayed, so this really is all for the best.

Again, I'm glad my team waited until Boston had the Series in the books to announce its Girardi hire (never mind that the media continued to print non-stories about the managerial post throughout the Fall Classic). I guess A-Rod can't stop pressing in the postseason.

Speaking of Paul O'Neill...

I read something he said on the radio about being open to a coaching job under Girardi.

Give Girardi a hint: Somebody at Yankee Stadium should cue up "Baba O'Riley" ...

Huh.

9/11 Protesters Try to Topple Bill Maher

I love Bill Maher. (And after Friday's episode of "Real Time," I also love Garry Kasparov.) And while I love the First Amendment, I also love civility. If I showed up at the studio where "Hannity & Colmes" is filmed, ranting about how the 1969 moon landing was a fake job, do you think the security folks would send me to makeup, apply powder to reduce the shine, clip a mic on my lapel, and give me a seat on the set next to that Great American, Sean Hannity?

So while Sheila Jackson Lee might feel the need to make some passive-agressive objection at the end of this clip in the name of free speech, all I can say is "You go, Bill."

Modern Media Interaction

The Onion rules. Again.

Question: How is Tim Riggins still in school?

Lord, grant me another year of eligibility. Amen.

"Friday Night Lights" is back. "Lead Pipe" Landry is a distressing situation, but I'm much more concerned/confused about another thing:

Tim Riggins is still on the Dillon Panthers?

I was under the impression that in Season One, Street, Lyla, and Riggins were all seniors; Smash was a junior; Saracen and Julie (and probably Landry) were sophs; Tyra was undefined (if nothing else, hot).

Yet Riggins is back at fullback as #33 (the number and position of yours truly back in the day!) If he flunked, his eligibility would be gone. If he was a junior last year, I'm not sure when that was conveyed. All his talk in the series premiere about Texas forever with Street made me think they were both seniors.

This season, I expected the diploma-totin' "Sgt. Riggins" to be jockeying a cash register at a gas-n-go, not blocking for Smash. A show wanting for fans should not be fucking with its core audience like this. We REALLY like this show, and don't like being jerked around by fact fudging.

The Landry thing was stupid, too. Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton might have to carry the second season on their backs, and they've shown they're capable of doing such.

On a similar subject, why is "The Office" making Michael out to be so flat-out stupid? In the past, he's always had some redeemable qualities — just when you think he'd lost any sense of decency, he would normally drop the bullshit macho bravado and reveal that deep down he's a nice guy with some intelligence and sales skills, only with ZERO social skills. With the gift basket episode last week, they've made him into an absolute moron. We nearly had typical (and believable) Michael Scott on his last gift basket delivery, when he begrudgingly mentioned that Dunder Mifflin would be launching a new web site to ease customer service. But this realistic situation was fucked over with the return visit to demand back the basket (and the missing turtles). The reason "The Office" works is because the exaggerated scenarios are usually not greatly separated from reality. This time it was, and it eliminated the redeeming qualities of the central character. I hope this was an aberration.

I do like the handling of Pam-and-Jim thus far, though. And please remember to "Support the Rabid." (I might go as far as to donate 80,000 Schrute Bucks to the cause!)

State of the U.G.: Baseball

Ouch.

Chien Ming Wang forecasting his WHIP in the Cleveland series.

Chris' Yankees, more specifically Chien Ming Wang and Roger Clemens, got worked over by the Tribe. Those bastards got more two-out hits in four games than most teams get in a season. They hit something in the neighborhood of .500 with runners in scoring position with two outs. Texas Leaguers, doubles off the wall, you name it, they hit 'em. Meanwhile, the Yankees bats were made of Swiss cheese. Couldn't hit a lick, especially when it counted most. Even man-crush Jeter was racking up GIDPs. A new era is beginning – I just hope its the Girardi era or the Donny Baseball era ... not the Tony "Last Call?" LaRussa era.

Beck and Beast watched the Cubs get worked by a group of no-names. Beck is already looking to trade Aramis Ramirez. Hey, my team will likely have a hole at 3B; we'll take him and Marmol and Rich Hill off your hands if you want. Somebody needs to convince Soriano he's not a leadoff hitter.

Matt T. and Sam are Cardinals and Astros fans, respectively. Yuck.

Prediction: Indians shock the world (and make me happy) and beat the Red Sox to win the Series.

Oh wait ....

Indians win the ALCS. Defeat Rockies in World Series. Grady Sizemore named MVP. Fausto Carmona wins Games 2 and 6. Paul Byrd somehow throws six shutout innings in Coors Field to win Game Four (cringing all the while as Borowski gives up 2 runs in ninth before closing out 3-2 victory). Sabathia loses in Coors, as does Westbrook to send the Series back to Cleveland for final game. Matt Holliday hits the cover off the ball. Tulowitzki comes down to earth. Rockies pitching is pedestrian at best.

Wait until next year.

I sound like the Cubs fan. Is it OK to feel like one after a seven-year drought for the Yanks?