Uncoachable Gangster of the Day: 12/5/2007

Wow, it's been more than three months since we've bestowed this honor, so let's return with a bang (or should I say, let's blow things up with this):

U.G. of the Day: Jose Sandoval

Senor Sandoval has become the latest in a long line of the Internet's infamous. This dude was caught doing (in his words) "a drunken, stupid thing": he jacked a sex store, making off with the finest in inflatable companionship.

Here's the paragraph of most interest, if you didn't click on Sandoval's name to read the whole news account:

Among the items that were found was a Linn Thomas talking love doll, priced at $269.99, which is shaped to resemble the porn star of the same name. According to one review by an Internet retailer, the 5-foot-3-inch doll vibrates and blurts out recorded encouragements to its user.

Do you see the key words in that paragraph?

Well, yes, $270 for a fuckable inner tube will raise eyebrows, but keep reading ...

recorded encouragements

What do you think "she" says?

"Don't panic! Just think about baseball or something!"

"Yes! Yes! Seventeen seconds — a personal best!"

"OK, aim for my bar code!"

What if she's upset with the proceedings?

"You're done?! What the fuck? Hey! You best not fucking fall asleep yet!"

Wow.