Congregation, please be seated ...

It's my first Hump Day Homily as an official UG. No more filtration by the prick who "runs" this show. He finally trusted me to speak for myself, typos and all. So let's get to it.

New Hampshire voted for two people who graduated with Vinny Testaverde. Yeah, that means they're fucking old. How old? Hillary Clinton is credited with discovering fire, and John McCain was the town elder who kicked dirt on the flame just to fuck with her.

Did Meals on Wheels drive old Dems to the polls? What just happened? Where's that double digit lead, Obama? Pardon me if the Granite State doesn't send me looking for a pint at Granite City! (That's a play on words, folks. And a beaut.)

Hey John Edwards, you've got nothing better to do than to hoard 17% of the vote in a race you can't win? Understandable that you'd want to drag your dying wife around so you can split the independent vote and allow the Crying Game to win the NH primary (i mean that as in Hillary getting all emotional at a campaign stop in NH, not that she has a cock). Good decision. And Horatio Sanz? You too, step aside.

Hillary Clinton gets emotional, both in a misty-eyed and seeing-red kind of way over the past few days, she wins a primary. Roger Clemens must be taking a page out of her playbook, although I think he's facing tougher opposition than the feebs in New Hamps. His recent public appearances are writing the "roid rage" punchlines for us.

Let me say something right here: i watched wheel of fortune tonight, and i'll be damned if Pat Sajak didn't hit the $5K wedge on the final spin AGAIN. either that guy is the best right-handed game show host of the modern era, or the fix is in. But either way it makes for good television.

Goose Gossage is in the hall of fame. Put that snotcatcher next to Rollie Fingers and the Quiz, Dan Quisenberry (rest in peace). Those guys had some sweet nostril manes. And Goose was the man, too. Forget the three-out, three-run-cushion saves these softies record these days. Gossage was getting four, five, six, seven outs at a time, throwing up to 140 innings a season at times. Imagine asking somebody like Billy Wagner or Huston Street to enter a game in the seventh inning. (I was going to say Mo Rivera, but Torre probably did try to use the stick boy in the seventh on occasion...)

Time magazine asks: "Do Monkeys Pay for Sex?" Wouldn't a direct e-mail query to Britney Spears have been more effective? She doesn't read Time!

Item: A pederast chokes on a hot dog in prison. (Click here for article). Is this another misguided display of erotic asphyxiation?

If I ever found out that someone was boinking the missus, the first thing I would do is sever a cow's head and ship it to the offending party through a parcel delivery service. Hey, in the case of Jason Michael Fife, it got his wife back, and all for the low, low price of 2 yrs probation and 50 hours of service to the community.

This story had some real gems:

• Police said Fife, 31, mailed the head frozen, so as not to alert parcel carriers to the contents. One problem: The box became bloody after sitting on the victim's doorstep on a warm day.
• "My client did step over the line here, but one can certainly understand his frustration, given that the victim was carrying on an affair with my client's wife." — defense attorney Henry Hilles (which sounds like he's represented by the guy from GoodFellas and his clone)

And finally, I leave you with the artist formerly known as Daniel Michael Miller II, who is now and forever (or until the buzz wears off) known as "The" Dan Miller Experience. That's first name "The" Dan; middle name Miller; last name Experience.

''My first reaction was that this guy was going to have some problems with Homeland Security,'' said Magistrate Larry Poulos, who approved the name change.

Really, your honor?! My first reaction was "when will Dan Miller experience any pussy?"

Enough with the homily already. Have a hell of a hump day.