Answering the Mail #1

Some of our readers seek specific wisdom, so we thought we'd respond to certain questions. If you have a question you'd like one of the Uncoachable Gangsters to answer, write to us at the_rev_ug@msn.com.

"How are the Cubs gonna fuck it up this year?" — Tito G, La Jolla

Travis responds:

I'm gonna answer this by position. If somehow the Cubs can steer clear of the following things, they might have a shot at their first World Series in 100 years. Let's go around the horn...

Catcher: They will continue to let Henry Blanco attempt to hit. I know he is good defensively but as good as he is behind the dish, he is ten times as bad standing above it. The new "inning killer."

1B: Scott Eyre or some other asshat will run into D. Lee and injure him. What is it with Cubs pitchers running into first basemen like the ghost of Sean Taylor? Remember when Kerry Wood ran into Hee Sop Choi and effectively ended his career. If not don't feel bad: neither does Choi.

2B: The Cubs won't pull the trigger on the Brian Roberts deal.

3B: I like Aramis but hate his hamstrings. Unless he goes into second standing up he is probably going to pull up lame after any given double.

SS: We won't play Theriot enough. He was out of the lineup a lot last year for no real reason. He's one of those guys who will do anything to win. Like Eckstien or Freel. Love that type of player.

LF: Soriano is hurt again.

CF: They won't play Pie. Just play Pie, for F-sake. I've been hearing about not wanting to wreck his confidence at the plate and sharing time with Sam Fuld or Eric Patterson. No, no, no. Felix, just run down balls in the gap and rack up outfield assists. Any hits you get will be gravy.

RF: Fukudome. As long as he isn't Hideki Irabu with a bat he'll be all right.

Starting rotation: Hey Big Z! Mix in a changeup when you're pissed instead of just trying to throw something by people. Watch Bull Durham sometime, you'll see what I mean.

Bullpen: Just throw strikes and stop walking people.

Closer: Here is where the Cubs are going to F things up. I have been saying Kerry Wood should be our closer for 3 seasons. My boy Matt disagrees with me. Anyway this will either work like a charm or Matt will be right and Wood's arm will explode. If Matt is right, Wood should go ask Glass Joe from "Mike Tyson's Punch Out!" to help him train in the offseason to gain some durability.

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"Who do you have winning the NCAA men's hoops tourney?" — Jay B., Bristol, CT

Chris responds:

If this is really Jay Bilas, I'm flattered...

I hadn't watched much college basketball this season until about two weeks ago, mainly because I don't have the Big Ten Network and can't see the Hawkeyes 95% of the time. That being the case, I thought I was the best candidate to prognosticate how the Big Dance would shake out, as I wasn't exposed to shitbag basketball. (The Hawks will be fine down the road, but this season was brutal. Donkey Basketball had fewer turnovers and shit droppings.)

Anyway, here are my rules to filling out the bracket:

I can't pick Duke to win, because I like them and it will jinx them.

I can't pick Carolina to win, because I hate them.

I can't pick Carolina to win, because the time I suck it up and write them down as the champ, they lose in the second round to some upstart team from a mid-major.

I can't pick Memphis, because their level of competition throughout the season is like if the Pistons played 81 games against the Knicks and the Heat, all at the Palace of Auburn Hills, and the 82nd game is against the Celtics with a healthy Garnett.

I can't pick Georgetown...see Duke.

I can't pick Kansas — who in their right mind picks Kansas anymore?

I can't pick Drake, even though that would be pretty fucking sweet if it happened. Go Keno!

I can't pick Loyola Marymount, as they haven't been good since the Bo Kimble days (and, um, they're not in the bracket anyway, but wanted a Bo Kimble reference).

So that narrows it down. Here's my Final Four:

East: Tennessee (Tyler Smith, we hardly knew ye)

Midwest: Vanderbilt (I'm going with coaches rumored to come to Iowa last spring: Pearl, Stallings...)

South: Texas

West: UCLA

Finals: Tennessee vs. UCLA

Champ: UCLA

My upsets are rather minor in degree: I have 11-seed Baylor in the Sweet 16. I have George Mason winning one game. I have Wisconsin losing to OJ Mayo and USC in round 2.

The only thing that makes me nervous about my picks: I was listening to Aaron Rodgers (Beck's favorite Packer) on the Dan Patrick Show last night, and he had the exact same title game, UCLA over the Vols. Patrick said he had the same result as well. If those two jugheads see it that way, I'm dead.

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Keep checking the UG, as we'll be addressing the following letters: "Will Swayze pull through?" "If that Juno chick wanted it, would you hit that?" "Brooke White: Getting hotter or am I getting drunker?"